Eight Legged
Terrorists
by Lily Murphy
Since watching
Arachnophobia at the age of five, my
love for eight legged insects has not been great.
Spiders make
me break out in an apocalyptic like scream for
mercy and in the last few weeks my throat has
been worn out due to excessive howling.
There has been
a recent dramatic fall in temperatures and this
has resulted in an almighty influx of spiders
into many people’s homes.
Now before I
go any further I must let you know that these
spiders are not delicate little insects, these
guys are the size of a small car!
My first
encounter with one of these big spiders came
shortly after midnight as I was making my retreat
to bed.
I found him on
the wall at the head of my bed, massive eight
legs all sprawled out holding up a well buffed
chassis.
I let out a
banshee like scream but it did nothing to
frighten him. He remained there determined that I
get no sleep that night.
I removed him
in over two hours with a glass and a piece of
paper. I needed a shower and a shot of whiskey
after the ordeal as I had sweat all the sweat a
human can sweat and had pushed my blood pressure
to tipping point.
Some days
after my own traumatic spider ordeal, a spider
conversation emerged with my friends. They too
had been victims of an invasion of big spiders.
‘I had
one in the kitchen yesterday, bigger than the dog!’
recalled one of my friends.
‘It took
me the entire evening to beat him to death with
the fly swatter.’
But I must
state that the spider terrorism in which ordinary
people are being subjected to is no joking matter.
Just last weekend I found myself being terrorized
once again by a big spider.
While settling
down to watch TV I noticed something moving
swiftly across the wall above the moving picture
box. It was a huge spider scuttling across the
wall on a mission.
I found myself
like that woman in those Tom and Jerry
cartoons, up on the chair screaming and howling.
I phoned for
help, I couldn’t deal with that spider, no
way could I do it all over again as my nerves
were shot from the last encounter I had with a
very large spider.
I fear that
these extremely big spiders have been working out
all Winter in some secret spider boot camp,
pumping the iron and living solely on protein
shakes.
Although I do
detest spiders I cannot find the will to kill one
so I would be a useless recruit to an ‘anti-terrorist
spider squad’, a force I would encourage the
authorities to set up before this spider invasion
gets out of control.
If something
isn’t done soon then I fear we may
experience an all out invasion of eight legged
terrorists causing disorder on the streets and
leading to social breakdown.
As for myself,
I continue to live in fearful anticipation of the
next big spider to invade my home and cause me to
experience loss of sleep, a near cardiac arrest
and more consumption of whiskey.
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