Doctoring for
Dummies
by Janice
Arenofsky
The practice of medicine is
not as complicated as many people make it out to
be. It’s not brain surgery. At least
not usually. Have you ever watched Mystery
Diagnosis? Dissected a fruit fly? Made your
spouse wait for you while you reprogrammed your
cell phone? See, I told you so. You know more
about performing a quadruple bypass than many
ophthalmologists, and they went to medical school.
Seriously, though,
healthcare is constantly evolving. This puts
you on a level playing field with real doctors,
who also must learn about new procedures and
treatments. For instance, look what happened when
laparoscopies became trendy. Everyone had to
practice key-hole surgery without knowing a multi-lateral
incision from a double bolt. Everyone ended up
bluffing.
Did I hear you say degrees?
Not important. I bet you know a whole bunch of
people who will cut your grass for a price. Have
any of them ever taken a course in landscaping?
Received a certificate from Target? See what I
mean: If you bill it, they will pay. Just get
yourself some nice stationery and you’ll
find out.
And while you’re
shopping, why not pick up a copy of Doctoring
for Dummies. You’ll find out the latest
self-diagnostic web sites plus the very best in
Miracle Cures from such dedicated flim-flam
artists as The Medicine Man. Doogie Howser, MBA
and The Chicken Soup Yenta. With this sort of
keen competition, doctors can no longer get away
with retro advice like “Take two and call me
in the morning” or “It’s probably
just a little gas or heartburn.” Patients
want to hear scary-sounding diseases such as
“terminal anal fissure” or “peptic
duodenumitis.” They want their treatments
complicated but cost effective.
Another free tip: Cultivate
a “take-no-hostages” attitude—starting
with the “Physician Heal Thyself”
injunction. Explain how you cured yourself of an
ugly eye twitch on hearing Jennifer Aniston’s
name. Go ahead—embellish on your self-healing
success story, but make sure your case history is
power point-friendly for medical conferences (goody
bags are optional).
Once you are recognized as
the “Great Healer,” no one will pay
much attention to framed degrees and other
bothersome credentials. And don’t get your
stethoscope in a knot over the “Physician,
Do no harm homily.” Chapters 5 through 8 of Doctoring
for Dummies will help you cope with even the
most annoying patient. For example, say Ms. X is
convinced her sudden craving for Godiva
Chocolates will lead to gustatory binges on nails
and metal shavings. Try reverse psychology: ask
her if her sudden obsession with weird eating
means she’s just plain weird. If that doesn’t
work, send the patient to an “anomalies”
specialist. Most clients are happy to know their
pain and suffering are flukes–statistical
oddities that may land them on Reality TV. Best
of all, anomalies professionals repay your
kindness threefold in kick backs.
Above all, remember this:
Most patients will forgive almost anything if you
throw in a free house call and admit you too hate
the sight of blood. House calls are covered in
“The Dos and Don’ts of Medical
Impersonators.” We’ve also included an
appendix on frequently used medical phrases for
deprogramming hypochondriacs, malingerers and
patients who abuse your answering service.
Good luck and good
doctoring!
This
piece was first published in Defenestration in
2012
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