Crunch
by Doug Hawley
also read by the author on
YouTube at:
Author
Doug Hawley reading his story 'Crunch'
I don’t
care what my friends say about Jean being way out
of my class. Sure, I may be a looks 4
and she is a 9, but if I round up, I’m a 5. And
yes, she got her Ph.D. in Mesopotamian culture
and I got my associate degree in motorcycle
mechanics. Her being a professor at
some hotshot university isn’t that big a
deal. I’ve moved up from short
order cook to manager at my restaurant. There
weren’t any openings for motorcycle
mechanics and I needed a job, but I’m doing
fine now.
Regardless of
the naysayers, we have been tight, and it has
nothing to do with what I said about the lottery. She
may have somehow gotten the idea that I said that
I won the lottery, when I believe that I said I will win
the lottery. I’ve got a system
based on the Zodiac She pesters me a
little about when I’ll start spending my big
winnings, but she’s probably just kidding me.
I may have
been a bit dishonest by wearing earplugs to the
opera and closing my eyes at the French movie we
went to, but I was sincere about my love of and
expertise about food and fine wines. Maybe
I’m not too crazy for some forms of culture.
I was sure she
would be impressed when I prepared a fancy dinner
for her at my restaurant. Unfortunately,
we don’t serve wine, so I had to pick it up
elsewhere, and brought everything home to serve
her at my place. It wasn’t so bad
when she threw the Mexican pizza, chalupas, tacos
and crunchwraps at me, but the box of Fortified
Royal Bris Chardonnay September Vintage, my
favorite wine, really hurt. She plays
for the Oswego Owls softball team and is a great
pitcher. She caught me with a speed
box. Making it worse was the Fire
Sauce that got in my eyes. It burned! Could
I have let the food get cold? Would
she have preferred a red wine?
Taco Bell
doesn’t have good health coverage. Well,
it has none. I hope Jean is willing to
overlook that misunderstanding about the lottery
and loan me $23,000 and counting to cover my
medical bills.
I suspect that
she hasn’t come to see me because she is
ashamed of her behavior. Or, could
student conferences take up all of three weeks?
She will
probably have a reasonable explanation for me
when I get out of the hospital. I
think that we are both sensible people and can
put this behind us. She will certainly
be impressed by the zircon wedding ring I’ll
give to her when she says yes.
In my mind I
can just picture our wedding. I’ll
close down my “Bell” early that day. The
counter guy has a preacher’s certificate
from Weddings Are Us. The rest of the
staff can put on their cleanest uniforms. Happiness
forever after.
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