Coots
by Doug Hawley
I don't know how widespread
coots are. They are very mysterious birds
in that they all look alike, and show up and
disappear without showing much ability to fly - I've
never seen one fly more than about 10 feet.
They look like balls of suet with black head,
white beak and with plastic yellow feet stuck on.
Sometimes they are called mud hens and despite
their life in the water they are closer to
chickens than ducks. We've never seen baby
coots. Much like humans, male and female
coots speak different languages. They eat
algae and insects, which may explain why most
people don’t want to eat coots.
From this mystery, I have
formed a theory. I derived this theory in
much the same way that Aristotle concluded that
the brain is used to cool the blood. Thank
you Will Cuppy and the “Rise And Fall Of
Practically Everybody.” Read any Willy
Cuppy that you can find. Said theory
follows:
I think that coot larvae
are formed by asexual budding. That would
explain the absence of baby coots. These
are called cooties and are spread to unseemly
teenagers that walk along the marsh. The
presence of cooties causes the scorn of one's
peers. On subsequent lonely forays along
said marshes, the pupal stage of coots drop back
into the marsh. As they become coot
adolescents, they form squawk groups which have
cootenannies. When they become old coots,
they tell really pointless, boring stories (such
as this one) to young birds who couldn't care
less.
Or you could check
Wikipedia if you don’t want to trust me
about coots.
Appeared
in Bitchin’ Kitsch
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