Bumper Sticker(s)
by Gracjan
Kraszewski
“Free-riffing?”
“You know,
do you guys mind if I just chillax in the
philosopher’s seat and get after some
pithy wisdom a little bit here and there?”
“…”
“Old
school political incongruity. Doublespeak, mixed
messaging that was the all-time hard troll
endless self-burn. ‘In This Home we Do Not
Hate, Never Discriminate’ was a really
popular slogan of some left-leaning people a
bunch of years ago. They’d have this huge
poster out front in their yards with this sign
and then, right below it, below the slogan there
would be all these sub points listed of how they
were so open and tolerant. But then they’d
have on a bumper sticker something like ‘Unseat
this politician now!’ So I mean it’s
downright hilarious that right next to a ‘In
this Home we don’t Hate’ poster was a
car advertising, basically, the hatred of some
person they didn’t agree with. Home has no
hate here except for this guy, you can hate this
guy, we really hate this guy…
You’re
driving around,” Hans continues, “and
you see some ridiculous car in front of you, clog-hogging
the right lane, topping out at like 29 MPH and so
you’ve got time to read all the bumper
stickers. Your eyes settle on one: I LOVE MY
DASCHUND :). And then your eyes find the
twin: PLEASE SPAY AND NUETER YOUR PETS. Really,
Lady? Do you really love your dog? Is that how
you show love, because if so, wow…
Another guy is
driving a gas guzzler with a different genre of
bumper stickers; Be BLUE and GREEN, LOVE
GRANDMOTHER EARTH, GRANDMOTHER NATURE, etc.…but,
bro, your car, but bro your car tho, bro….A
guy who fashioned himself a ‘militant
peacemaker of tolerance’ goes to protest a
group he doesn’t like claiming they traffic
in hate, they’re violent thugs, they are
lawless outlaws who should be jailed. This guy
comes wearing a ski mask, chanting really creepy
sounding slogans, and armed with some kind of
pole that’s really good—and only good—for
giving someone an old school out behind the shed
shellacking…
When you see a
guy’s vanity license plate that reads HppLY
MRRIED 3 and the instant questions are
overwhelming: really, two other people got this
same one made? really, the exact same
configuration? Above all: are you declaring that
you’re finally happily married for the third
time, chance #3, but if yes then: it begs the
question: should we believe you?
When you find
out the fast food product you just ate contains
two and a half weeks’ worth of saturated fat
in three bites but the wrapper is all about being
BLUE and GREEN and Granny Nature…you’re
screwed if you eat even one of these, pal. But at
the same time you’re saving the Earth….
They won’t
serve you silicon-rich, high bone density beer
but will give you free refills of sugar polluted
water that reverses all the good effects a pint
of beer would give you…”
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