Words of Wisdom
by Janice
Canerdy
One of the
most probing, heart-wrenching questions mankind
must grapple with is "How can I tell when it's
time to change my glasses?" Being benevolent
by nature and possessing much knowledge on this
timeless, universal topic, I'd like to impart
just a tiny bit of my wisdom to you. I do not
wish to overwhelm you with an onslaught of
complex philosophy; therefore, I shall limit my
points to ten. Mind you, I was not a part
of any of these scenarios; I gathered this
information from conversations with embarrassed,
distraught friends.
You know
it's time for new glasses when . . .
(1) the
short, emaciated, big-headed guy you see at a
distance turns out to be a mailbox
(2) your
friend says, "Oh, look at the huge,
beautiful mural on the side of that building,"
and you respond, "What building?"
(3) you're
just about to enjoy a big juicy orange and your
little boy says, "Can I have my ball back?"
(4) the
cell phone in your pocket doesn't ring all day at
work because it's really the wireless mouse (the
kids are at home running up a big bill on your
phone)
(5) you
get stung repeatedly because the can you selected
from the cabinet contains air freshener, not
hornet spray
(6) the
guy walking ahead of you at the mall, to whom you
yell, "Hey, George, you sorry old devil"
is not George but your father-in-law, who has
never liked you because he thinks you're an idiot
(7) you
overhear people at the picnic whispering about
you for bringing hot taco sauce for the hotdogs (they
prefer ketchup)
(8) while
flipping through the channels, you're mortified
to see Grandma on tv talking, with a foreign
accent, about sex (someone who CAN see
assures you it's Dr. Ruth)
(9) you
sit red-faced through Sunday School hoping no one
saw you hide the Finger Hut catalogue, which
looks similar to your Sunday School book
(10) you
have to ask a kid on the sidewalk to read a sign,
which says, much to your chagrin, "Remember,
kids, never talk to strangers."
Sharing this
timely information with you engenders deep in my
heart a sense of civic pride. I wanted to write
this last week, but I couldn't find my glasses.
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