Won't You Come
Home, Mitch Hedberg?
by M. V.
Montgomery
If two surrealist artists
challenge each other to a duel, do they first
yell out, “Avant garde!”?
A journey of a thousand
miles begins with a single step, but a journey of
a thousand steps begins with a pedometer.
A legal dose vs. a lethal
dose? Is that meant to be
deliberately confusing?
I thought I might be onto
something with my idea for a new, all-in-one
dining implement, the Spork-k-nife. But then I
thought, Wuh-oh, hold on, dude. Could be
a lawsuit waiting to happen.
It’s kind of a paradox
that in our cult of entertainment, people have to
be taught to appreciate so many things. And
“entertainment” is such a schlocky word.
Entertainers. The Entertainer. Go entertain
yourself. Even to entertain a thought seems kind
of embarrassing.
I see you’re still
hanging out at the Starbucks, living la vida
mocha.
Can I have a bite? Not a
megabite, just a bite.
I need to eat something
empty of calories, not more empty calories.
I’m getting so fat, I
might need Tommy Boy surgery.
You sound like one of those
nutritionists who would like to hold up a sign, Gluten
is Murder.
Maybe to build a reputation
that is less ghetto, malt liquor simply needs to
have a new name: “I’ll have a single-malt
unScotch, please.” Malt liquor: the unScotch.
Gentlemen, start your
bingin’.
Oh My Jah!–Lately,
I’ve been trying to put that phrase into
circulation, along with OMJ!, which I like to
intone in a reggae voice. It’s easy to say,
like OMG, yet lite and refreshing, like OJ.
I’m one of those
holdovers from the Jerry & Jimmy years, more
Goofus than Gallant.
Bad girl! Have you been
delving into the Wickedpedia?
You mean I really have to
stand in this long line to get my new ID card?
Hell and Lamination!
A farting ghost would be
funny. You’d look wildly around you in all
directions, saying, “Who did that?!”
Try to look on the bright
side, dude. You’re not losing a wife, you’re
gaining a garage.
Why do ex-wives and ex-girlfriends
always have to guzzle bottles of Love Poison #9?
It felt like Gallagher had
just taken a sledge to my heart.
Sometimes life sucks, and
you could just shoot yourself in the head, but
guns are too dangerous.
When football players
suffer a serious blow to the head, you call it a
concussion, so if a discus thrower hits you,
would you call it a discussion?
The first safety rule for
installing the high dive at the pool is that
things really do depend on the deep end.
Speak slowly. I’m not
a rocket surgeon.
That guy is too clever by
about ten and a half.
Name for a little girl who’s
always angry: “Maddie”.
I practiced my speech in my
leather jacket, and the leather was suede.
Where are you all from? Not
all at once. Let’s try to organize ourselves,
people, by electing some row captains.
I think I must’ve felt
guilty about forgetting to water my neighbor’s
flowers while she was away–in my dream, I
peed on them.
Rise of the Planet of
the Apes: not really sure what that
flick was all about, but I think it had something
to do with the Simian Liberation Army.
I saw a headline about
Walmart signing this “record deal” with
a tiny start-up company. Really? I
thought. I didn’t know those guys
could sing.
I refuse to eat candy
jujubees. Sure, I like them, but I’m afraid
they might be anti-Semitic.
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