Two Rants
by M. V.
Montgomery
I. AVERAGE
JOE
Don’t tell me I’m
modest—don’t I know it!
Believe you me, I sit
around all day eating the humble pie; no one can
eat more of that particularly tasteless
confection than myself. I’m such a
middlebrow I can barely manage a frown; so
completely middle-of-the-road. I actually present
a danger to passing traffic. Most certainly, if I
ever visited an old mill, I’d be given the
complete run of the place. Photographers are
known to have given me a refund due to my
frustratingly low profile. And Aristotle must’ve
had me specifically in mind when he said, moderation
in all things. A fine motto for one’s
life, if you ask me. Then again, no one asks me,
because why take time to consider the uninspired
opinions of an average Joe? Of a safe guesser, a
conventional thinker, a diligent follower of the
party line. Uriah Heep only pretended to
humbleness; yours truly is the real deal. Yes, if
humility truly is a Christian virtue, surely
someday I’ll be eligible for sainthood.
II. NUTS TO
YOU
Oh, aren’t you just
chock full o’ nuts today!
Yes–you have that look
of a person who’s spent time in a facility
that processes nuts. Clearly you didn’t fall
too far from the tree. Why, I can just picture
you sitting up in that theater gallery, coming
out of your shell, cracking jokes with that salty
wit of yours. Because those squirrels got nuttin’
on you. Neither do fruitcakes. Well, now—aren’t
you just being the tough one to crack today! C’mon,
don’t make me use a sledgehammer! And so my
fellow citizens of the world: ask nut what your
country can do for you—ask nut you can do
for your country. Maybe that one will cause you
to bust a gut, if not an actual nut? Actually, it’s
me who’s up here bustin’ a nut for you,
and if that happens, alas my sweet, no more a-nutting
can we go.
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