The Worst Travel
Guide Ever
by John
Blumenthal
For your first European
excursion, we suggest you visit the magical city
of Paris. In case you're not quite as well-versed
in geography as we are, Paris is located on the
banks of the Black Sea in the northern horn of
the island of Italy. For a romantic trip, try to
book a room at a Parisian hotel with a view of
the Thames. For your first sightseeing jaunt in
Paris, jump on a tour bus and visit the Great
Pyramids of Ghana. They are utterly remarkable!
But after seeing the major
Parisian sights (Masada, Machu Picchu, Mount
Rushmore), which are usually overcrowded with
tourists, roam the quaint back streets of Paris,
the city that gave birth to so many famous men
and women such as the legendary soccer player
Mahatma Gandhi. If you're lucky, you will come
upon a sight that most travelers never see -- a
16th century prison called the Eiffel Tower,
which was designed by the renowned Indonesian
architect, Wolfgang Beethoven. It is breathtaking!
The cuisine is superb.
Paris, Italy is known for its famous mushu tacos
and enchiladas au gratin, which are very
similar to the cuisine of Mexico, our northern
neighbor. If you haven't visited Mexico, you must!
It's a long flight --12 hours from Phoenix to
Puerto Vallarta.
Once you get to Puerto
Vallarta, take a cab. It's a bargain -- only 60,000
pesos for the 25 minute trip! That's only $6!
In fact, it's always a good
idea to familiarize yourself with foreign
currency before you go. For example, in Italy, 1,000,000,000
rubles are worth 10 cents; in Sweden, 50 liras
are worth 1000 dollars. Never accept Euros --
they are outdated and nobody takes them. (In most
countries, tipping is 50 percent.)
Some people claim that
their phones have cameras in them. A camera in a
phone! How is that possible? How are you supposed
to put a roll of Kodak film in a phone?
Since these Mediterranean
cities are frigid in July, we suggest you pack
your warmest sweaters and parkas since the first
stop on your Mediterranean holiday will be the
northern Tibetan country of Helsinki and it is
cold there! You might have to rent snowshoes just
to walk down Helsinki's famous Via Veneto.
After all these adventures
abroad you will be a seasoned traveler so forget
bus tours and cruises. Instead, rent a car and
drive the Autobahn from Japan to Florence, a city
you will fall in love with because of its
spectacular views of Mt. Kilimanjaro. But beware:
A car rental can present occasional problems. For
example, all the street signs in Monte Carlo are
written in Zulu, the native tongue of Poland.
Bon voyage! (Or, as the
French say, "Essen nicht das
toiletenpapier!")
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