The Man Who Ate
Himself
by Delo White
Armbruster
Flipsmeoff had a hunger but not like normal
salivating cut-me-up meat eaters and others with
a proclivity towards store-bought food. What
Armbruster wanted most was to partake of the rich,
bold, fully blood-drenching meat that was
attached to his bones.
“I find
you left leg to be most becoming and full of that
wondrous, fleshy, meaty aroma. Good and
grilled in a lovely, smoky, hickory-flavored
sauce, I will slowly chew you with much zeal and
zest until you are bone and even then I’ll
fight the cat over the bone for pussy likes a
good row.”
Oddly enough
few people found Armbruster normal and quaint. Most
of the time he had to hold his head on with a
steel flyswatter as his magnetic legs attached
themselves to passing vehicles which served the
purpose of saving him the costs of transportation
and mineral membrane toxic waste sludge. But
it was his weird eating habit that most disgusted
people. He often ordered bloody fried turtle
wings with splintered toenails owned by Mr.
Crackinthehead down the street, who was twice as
disgusting and laughed maniacally while disrobing
in public to the tune of “Berate me not for
I have a horrible, odorous, foot fungus that I
often lick with glee that causes pretty unreal
colors to appear next to the dead dog’s flea.”
So back to the
decrapitation of his magnetic left leg. Armbruster,
who by the way was not human but the dumbest twit
from the left armpit of an eggroll called Whoops!
I’m Sorry, zapped it off, basted it in his
specially-prepared sauce with just the right
magical manure and promptly tossed it on the
grill for 13.3 miles. Hopping on his right
leg, he sat in the middle of the heavily-trafficked
road and ate with the fortitude of a heavily
wigged-out lion pecker until he was run over by a
malicious tenderizer. This indeed served his
further hunger by tenderizing other body meat
products.
Body part by
body part quickly was removed, grilled, and
tenderized by the same process. People were
astounded by his hastily disappearing form and
much grieved the state of cooking and eating.
Surely self consumption would not catch on but
alas Armbruster promoted the hell out of the art
by giving lectures to those with weird names and
wooly moles. However he did not benefit by it all
for what can a head with no body do with riches?
He ended it
all by blowing the biggest bubble from a single
wad of bubble gum shoved into his mouth by a
passing, obnoxious, pastrami-eating comedian,
with no redeemable value save his ability to
become a pretty red balloon that over time
deflated in value. Armbruster promptly
suffocated from lack of nitroglycerin and clean
pores when he couldn’t remove the bubble
covering his face. Still he lives on in the
annals of self consumption and deep water sponge
tickling.
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