Small Town
Suicide
by Tod Connor
Hello, Gabby?
No, this is
Lorraine.
Just as good.
Hold on to your hat, Lorraine.
What is it,
Percy?
You know that
fella with the wooden leg and the bad breath?
You mean old
Gumbo?
Yeah, him.
What about him?
He's gone and
jumped off'n the Sligo Bridge.
You don't say.
Appears he was
upset about life.
Upset about
life?
Yeah, he left
a note.
How do you
know all this?
I'm the
goldarned police commissioner, Lorraine!
Oh, yeah, I
forgot. So you mean you have his note right there?
I sure do.
Can you tell
me what it says, Percy?
Okay, let's
see...
He starts out:
"My dear fellow sufferers..." Strange
way to start, don't you think?
Yeah...
"I've
decided to kick the bucket, buy the farm, meet
the reaper, and go the way of all human flesh."
He writes kind of funny, don't you think,
Lorraine?
Yeah...
"Once
when I was young, innocent, optimistic and
without a care, I participated in a gross
injustice, a veritable sin, a monumental offense,
a terrible crime."
Why does he
use so many words, Percy?
Got me...
Anyways, the next line is a real doozy. "It
was due to this ardently suppressed nightmare
that I embarked on a life of futile rebellion
against the powers of the universe. Sound
familiar fellow sufferers?"
Who's he
talkin' to in this note anyways?
Who knows?
"In the
course of acting out, indulging my most
narcissistic fantasies, running away from the
truth, and hiding my head in the sand, I became
addicted to alcohol, opiates, gambling and
womanizing."
You sure old
Gumbo wrote this, Percy?
We got his
body housed over there in Delbert's funeral
parlor, Lorraine.
Okay, okay.
"There
comes a time when a man has to face the facts,
step up to the plate, draw the line, and make a
stand. And that's why I've decided to feed the
fishes, cross the bar, fall off the perch, and go
out with a bang."
Hell, Percy,
the man makes no sense.
Yeah, that's
what I was thinkin' too, Lorraine.
I mean, I been
listenin' real close and I still don't know why
he went and kilt hisself, do you?
Yeah, he
shoulda just writ 'goodbye cruel world' and got
right down to it, but this here is like a book
goin' round in circles. I do like this part:
"In the course of my so-called life I've
learned that my thoughts and feelings and values
-- the very essence of my ego, is nothing but
ephemera, smoke and mirrors, insubstantial ether,
the vapor of delusion. When I lost my leg I
discovered the inescapable truth and it wasn't
pretty."
Hold on, Percy.
I'm gettin' a headache. I do believe old Gumbo
was a troubled man.
'Course he was
troubled, he went and jumped off'n the damn
bridge, didn't he?
Yeah, Percy,
good point.
Here's the
last line, Lorraine: "I've learnt four
things in my wretched time here. Don't look a
gift horse in the mouth, don't take no wooden
nickels, stick to the straight and narrow, and
good guys finish last."
He was deeply
troubled, Percy.
You're right
about that, Lorraine.
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