Notes To Self
by M. V.
Montgomery
As ye sew, so shall ye rip.
Why in the world would
anyone bother to make a sequel to It? That
movie was just pennywise and clown-foolish.
A sequel can be as good as
the original, but it can never be as original as
the original.
When the census takers ask
you what race you belong to, is it wrong to
answer, “human”?
Some people are white and
some are balsamic, when it comes to vinegar.
I understand from the song
“If You’re Happy and You Know It,”
I’m supposed to “Do all three,”
but I can never remember what the three things
are.
And I’m a failure at
the Hokey-Pokey because when it comes time to put
my “Whole Self In,” I always feel
uncomfortable with that level of commitment.
Why did the pirate
scientist wear two eye patches? He wanted to
conduct a double-blind study.
Taking attendance at Bible
school: Abraham? Present. Moses? Present.
Jesus? Omnipresent.
Not necessarily a comfort
to say, “God looks down on us.”
I’ve heard of the One
That Got Away but that fish is the One You Gotta
Weigh!
I wanted to catch Richard
Serra’s famous painting series “Equals”
at the Hiram Butler Gallery, but by the time I
got there, the censors had redacted it.
You can track down most
anything on Bing if you type “Google”
into the search bar first.
My Health Care Plan? My
health care plan is to feign unconsciousness
during the ambulance ride and later claim that
the paramedics kidnapped me.
I thought that a film about
on drug abuse in Appalachia suffered from meth-head
acting.
In A Quiet Place,
the rule is "No Speaking." In Bird
Box, the rule is, "No Peeking." My
first reaction was shock that Hollywood didn't go
for the whole Wise Monkey trilogy. Then I
thought, wait, they probably did. Sure
enough, there was a 2014 movie called Hear No
Evil.
Twin City Federal’s
old Tuckabuckadayaway tribe was not a federally
recognized tribe.
My neighbor: "It is
freezing outside! I had to bundle up
like an Eskimo!" Me: "Yes.
When the truly cold weather comes, you've just
got to get Inuit."
My choice of name for a
bike shop: Bespoken Bicycles.
Long beard up front, shaved
head in back – Good God, I think we’ve
finally ushered in the age of the front-mullet!
Sometimes a nickname can
become a curse, as in the sad case of stock car
driver Edward Glenn “Fireball” Roberts.
Sometimes down south the smell
of flowering honeysuckle is so sweet and strong
that you worry it could send you into a diabetic
coma
My shutdown rap: “A
government shutdown, it’s a big letdown. /
Trump’s all braggadocio, wants to wall off
Mexico. / Can’t care for the people here,
too in love with Vladimir.”
When I die, who will house
my residential library?
Knock-knock, who’s
there. Urinal. Urinal who? Urinal heap
o’ trouble, boy.
Tried to cash a reality
check at my bank, but they wouldn’t take it.
Tried to subtext, couldn’t
pick up an underwater signal.
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