New Jersey Man,
45, Declares Intention For The 2018 U.S. Men's
Soccer Team
by Walter Bowne
 Inspired by the fine athleticism,
histrionics, and dashing good looks of the World
Cup players, New Jersey man, Walter Bowne, 45,
has officially declared his intention to play for
the Men’s National Soccer Team in 2018.
He informed
his family during taco salad dinner, and then
submitted a press release.
When he saw
that Argentinian guy miss that obvious shot in
front of the goal during the World Cup Final,
Bowne told his daughters, “I could have made
that! Geez!”
Walter Bowne
said he didn’t realize it was his destiny to
play international football until he started
following The World Cup in Brazil. His last
league play was in 1978-1980 with Voorhees
Community Educational Recreation where he played
as a utility player. With golden locks and fierce
determination, he did stints as striker,
midfielder, fullback, and even goalie once or
twice. “What I lacked in skill, I made up
with enthusiasm,” he said. “I never saw
a ball I didn’t challenge. I had the
reputation for being a dirty player.”
He related
with glee the time he tackled two twin girls with
each leg, earning a red card, but saving a
possible game-winning score from local rival,
Chick’s Block.
“I was
dirty, yes, but also feared,” he said.
Walter Bowne
started training in late June by buying athletic
gear at Kohl’s. He doubled his order for his
30% off coupon, as well as getting Kohl’s
Cash. He started conditioning a week later at the
local Jewish Community Center in Cherry Hill.
“When I started on the step machine, I was
lucky to go ten minutes,” he said. “Now
I can go, like fifteen, plus another ten minutes
walking around the indoor track.”
Bowne said he
hopes to be able to run the expected ten to
fifteen miles needed to compete with
international superstars like Ronaldo, Messi, and
Müller. “I will be increasing my time at
the JCC by a half an hour every day,” he
said.
“Sure,
they are younger than me,” Bowne said.
“But forty-five is the new twenty-five,
right?”
Bowne said his
vocabulary has changed too. He now uses the word
nil to mean zero. He throws in “an equalizer”
whenever possible, and mentions “lovely
touches” when appropriate. Fields are now
pitches and sneakers are boots. “It feels
awesome to be so international, now, eh, mate?”
“You know,
my wife threw me a tomato while making dinner,
and I headed the darn thing, straight into the
clock on the all, and it crashed. But it was
lovely header,” he said.
Bowne said he
has been reading up on the sport he didn’t
realize he loved until he saw the Group of Death
games against Portugal and Ghana and Germany.
“I was like, wow, these guys rule. No
helmets. No stoppage. And boy, they are all so
gorgeous. Such gorgeous guys! I would fit in fine
with those guys.”
He is
currently on page 167 of George Vecsey’s new
book Eight World Cups. He is now able to hold
down detailed conversations with futbol
aficionados all because of this one book. “Go
ahead, ask me with Gary Lineker is. Go ahead!”
Bowne said he’s
seen videos of Maradona and Zidane. “And I
have to admit, their moves resemble some of mine,”
he said. “My style of play would definitely
fit the tika taka play of Barcelona and Real
Madrid!”
Bowne said his
old coach said he was like a bulldozer through
butter.
Bowne said he
stopped playing soccer when he discovered his
love of acting. “Now I think I can combine
my athleticism with my obvious ham-bone,” he
said. 
During his day
job as an English teacher, Bowne says he helps
unofficially coach high school footballers the
fine art of coaxing a yellow or red card. Before
practice, Bowne engages in improvisational skills
of feigning pain enough to be believable, but not
enough to be dreadfully obvious. “There is
fine line,” Bowne said, “between
overacting and acting.”
Bowne said his
time as a student in England did not inspire him
to become a football hooligan. “Our team was
Newcastle United,” he said, “but I was
more interested in watching local women at the
Royal Archer Pub.”
He said he was
more into rugby and actually played a few
scrimmages with the University Club, but shouts
of “Kill the Yank” made his mother
suggest that he find another activity while away
from medical care.
 Bowne said he hopes to attend local
Union games, as well as tryout for some over-forty
leagues. “Then I’ll just keep plugging
away,” he said. “And I hope to get a
chance at tryouts.”
His family has
scoffed at his intentions. They have been
wondering about the lack of toilet paper in the
house, as well as the long grass. But Bowne said
how many people laughed at other people and
history and look at what some of those people did.
“They laughed at Don Quixote, but he dreamed
the impossible dream, and this is America,”
he said. “Just don’t laugh at me!”
The Impossible,
after all, is only Possible through hard work and
determination.
“You can
look for me in Russia,” Bowne said. “All
those gorgeous international girls with the USA
flag painted on their face will be shouting,
“Bowne! Bowne! Bowne!”
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