My Slightly
Eccentric Bucket List
by John
Blumenthal
It's probably safe to
assume that everybody's bucket list is different.
For example, if you don't have much imagination,
you might put, "Learn How to Fold Laundry"
on your list. If you're more adventurous, you
might write, "Have an Affair with Wife's
Best Friend." If you're really daring
you might enter, "Learn How to Fold Laundry
While on Caribbean Cruise with Wife's Best Friend."
This might best be followed by, "Don't Get
Caught by Wife."
On the other hand, it's
probably not a good idea to be so daring as to
tempt fate. If your bucket list contains things
like "Climb Mount Everest" or "Swim
across English Channel" or "Hit Self on
Head Repeatedly with Croquet Mallet," the
chances are pretty good that one of the
activities on your bucket list will prematurely
kill you, which would obviously defeat the
purpose.
That said, after much
prodding from my mortician, I've finally decided
to put together my bucket list. The following 15
items are things I've always wanted to do before
I meet my Maker:
1. Eat at a three-star
Michelin restaurant and ask about their tire
selection.
2. Play shortstop for the
Yankees from first base.
3. Give my wife a set of
power tools for our thirtieth wedding anniversary
and not end up sleeping on the couch.
4. Mix the perfect martini
in a tube sock while explaining quantum physics
to Kim Kardashian.
5. Win a Hemingway look-alike
contest without growing a beard.
6. Write a six volume
Pulitzer Prize-winning history of the Civil War
but leave out the battles.
7. Win a gold medal for an
Olympic swimming event wearing floaties.
8. Agree to go lingerie
shopping with Scarlett Johansson and then stand
her up.
9. Write a sitcom starring
Charlie Sheen and the Dalai Lama.
10. Get the Queen of
England to sit in a bean bag chair.
11. Go whale-watching in
Switzerland.
12. Convince the Pope to do
a lounge act in Las Vegas.
13. Order foie gras
at a fine Parisian restaurant and ask for ketchup.
14. Check all of
Shakespeare's original manuscripts for typos.
15. Find a cemetery that
gets WiFi.
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