Luring the
Recluse
by Con Chapman
A 17-year-old girl lured chess
champ Bobby Fischer out of seclusion with a
letter that began “I would like to sell you
the world’s best vacuum cleaner! Now that I
have your interest, turn the page.”
Endgame, Frank Brady
CORNISH,
New Hampshire. I have come here, like so many
disaffected youths before me, to meet The Great
One; the man who looked into my soul in 1951–although
I wasn’t born yet–and understood
me, the way my parents and friends don’t! I
know–lots of other tormented adolescents
have tried to meet J.D. Salinger before, only to
be rebuffed.
But–I’m
different. Not only does he understand me,
I understand him! Even though his
property is posted with “No Trespassing!”
signs, and America’s Oldest Living
Adolescent has been known to threaten fans with
violence, I know he’ll listen to me.
That’s
because I brought along the Black & Decker
Dustbuster Hand-Vac. With unsurpassed sucking
power and the convenience of cordless, the 14.4-Volt
model is the only vacuum to have around
the house, when you don’t want anybody
around the house!
…………………………………………………….
I’m
in Beverly Hills to break through the outer–and
inner–circles of confidantes that surround
Howard Hughes, former boy genius, aerospace
pioneer and world-class horndog. I have read of
his obsessions with his peas and the movie Ice
Station Zebra, which he once watched 150
consecutive times! This is not healthy
behavior. If he bought Bird’s Eye Frozen
Peas I’m sure he’d be pleased with the
uniform size achieved by the food industry’s
top quality-control specialists.
I
know what a stickler he is for detail–how he
wrote a memorandum to the film crew for The
Outlaw to fix a flaw in Jane Russell’s
blouses that made it appear she had two nipples
on each breast. Howard, I will say when I get
through to him–don’t sweat the small
stuff. Two nipples on each breast is a good thing!
But
it’s his obsession with germs that causes
him to erect formidable boundaries. He stays in
his room, surrounded by Kleenex boxes, which he
continuously re-arranges. I can help him, dammit!
I’ve
got the Purell NXT home Hand Sanitizer system,
with two 10-ounce refills!
…………………………………………………….
“I
vant to be alone,” she said, and I honored
her wishes. When Greta Garbo moved to New York I
saw her on the streets and yearned to tell her
that I was someone she could trust.
In
her last comment to the press she tied Calvin
Coolidge’s world’s shortest interview
record when a reporter said “I wonder . . .”
and she replied ”Why wonder?” and left.
That’s what I was up against.
But
then I saw her, and I couldn’t control
myself. I took a deep breath–I’d only
get one chance–and approached.
“Miss
Garbo,” I said in a polite voice.
“Yes?”
she said, igniting a flame of hope in my brain.
“My
mom used to swear by the Hoky Wet-Dry Carpet
Sweeper,” I said. “You oughta try it.”
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