From Oasama Bin
Laden's Laptop
by Con Chapman
Navy Seals carried off computers, hard drives
and flash drives from their raid on Osama bin
Laden's compound.
The Wall Street Journal
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To:
customerservice@amazon.com
From:
obl2001@cyber.net.pk
Re: Billing
My account
statement says I did not receive the promotional
discount when I purchased the "Best of the
Gong Show" DVD collection. I can't go to the
Staples in Abbottabad and I don't want some
goofball FedEx guy collecting my DNA when he
picks it up at my compound. (BTW--is it true
those dorks get laid a lot because of their cool
uniforms?)
Issue a credit
memo or die the death of a thousand dogs.
Also, you say
you offer free shipping--how come I never qualify
for it?
Death to
America, have a nice day.
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To:
commissioner@fantasysports.net.pk
From:
obl2001@cyber.net.pk
Re: Outrage!
I executed a
trade sending Shahid Afridi from my team,
Destroyers of the West, to "cricketdog"
in exchange for Misbah Ul-Haq of Mohammed's
Mudcats. Due to server error the email was not
transmitted until after the deadline and now "cricketdog"
refuses to complete the deal. Misbah has
gone on a tear, averaging 13.54 wickets before
the All-Star Break! If this is the kind of
ethics I can expect from your site, refund my
entry fee or I will slam you in a tape to be
released to millions of followers worldwide.
Yours till the
establishment of a world-wide caliphate under
sharia.
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To: shipping@restorationhardware.com
From: obl2001@cyber.net.pk
Re: Tiki
Torches
I was given an
estimated arrival date of April 29th for the
"Tiki-style" patio torches I ordered
from the Spring catalog, but no sign of them. Summer
cookout season is almost here--please let me know
when I can expect them.
What would you
recommend to get stuffed grape leaves out of your
taupe sectional? It was very expensive--hate
to think of four grand down the drain just
because my buddy Zawahiri is a klutz.
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To:
development@kingabdulaziz.edu
From: obl2001@cyber.net.pk
Re: Donation
This will
confirm that I’m making a gift to King
Abdulaziz U at the "Martyr's Club"
level. I understand I will receive a KAU
blanket and fleece pullover in red (Men's XXL).
Just a
question--the CIA has been looking me for a
decade. How did you track me down?
Osama "Fuzzy"
bin Laden, Class of '79
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To: hotburqa23@hotmail.com
From: obl2001@cyber.net.pk
Re: Winking!
Hotburqa--
Thanks for
going off-line. I hate monthly fees, and
unless you go "Gold" level you can't
chat!
I sense
chemistry between us--hope you do! I have
room in my life for a fourth woman in my spacious
compound, where Diet Coke flows like water and
every wife gets her own bidet. Love to meet
in person, but can't travel. Would you come to my
place some night? I promise "four on
the floor and all hands on deck"--no petting
on the first date for this traditional guy!
Think about it--I
won't be hurt if you say no. The first time!
Got2go--I hear
somebody at the door.
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