Do or Die
by Melodie
Corrigall
Flowers in
hand, phone set to vibrate at regular intervals
to remind him to appear attentive, and a cheat
sheet of appropriate responses - Leonard was
ready to follow the tips to a romantic dinner
he’d read about in his men’s magazine.
Gloria was worth the effort, and according to her
ultimatum, this was a do or die occasion.
A week ago,
sailing into their fifth anniversary, his wife
had declared the romance had been squeezed out of
their relationship, which she had described as
kitchen rag only useful for cleaning the counter.
Where, Leonard wondered, did she dredge up these
images?
Gloria’s
women’s magazine had suggested that when
things hit bottom a romantic dinner was in order.
“We’ll go to Pavlovas restaurant and
talk about life.”
Whoops,
Leonard had thought. There goes three months of
lottery tickets. And what was there to say
about life? Wisely, although Gloria insisted he
share his thoughts, Leonard decided not to share
these.
Both dressed
in their Sunday best, his pants a bit tight and
her dress somewhat revealing, they were tucked in
a corner table at Pavlovas.
“We’ll
pretend we’re lovers on a first date.”
“Sure,”
he obliged, thinking a quick hand squeeze might
work well here.
He remembered
how on an early date, chomping down on
Gloria’s great BBQ ribs, he’d noticed
the handyman work that needed doing in her
apartment. While in the bathroom, he’d tried
to fix the dripping toilet tank and cracked the
lid. Gloria had responded to his apology with a
dizzying smile.
And now their
toilet at home needed fixing.
“I want
us to share the spiritual experience of being
outdoors,” Gloria said.
If they bought
a new toilet, they could get one that used less
water.
“And to
travel,” she said.
He glanced
down at his cheat sheet. “Just what
I’ve been thinking.”
Did those
toilets cost more? More importantly did they get
rid of number two?
“Sailing
on the Danube.”
Where was the
Danube anyhow? He’d thought it was just the
name of some classical music.
“If we
want kids we have to decide soon,” she
sighed.
His phone
vibrated and he glanced at his cheat sheet.
“Those were my thoughts,” he said.
If new toilets
were expensive, he’d get his friend Joe Rump
to fix the old one.
“You look
worried,” Gloria said. “What are you
thinking?”
He squinted to
read, “How you look prettier than when I met
you.”
It was funny
that his plumber friend was named Rump.
From success
to success—appear attentive, read a line,
smile—the evening was a triumph. As they
toasted their anniversary over coffee, Gloria
flashed one of her chrome bumper smiles.
“Let’s head home to get this baby plan
in place.”
Baby plan? Had
his missed something? If they had kids
they’d need a second bathroom. Instead of
sharing that thought, Leonard just pecked his
wife’s cheek and used up his last line,
“ I loved our talk!”
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