Cream Puff
by Phil Temples
“Hello! This is Beebro
Gruzgorg at Nebula Real Estate. How may I help
you?”
There was a pause on the
other end of the line while the universal
translator engaged.
“Certainly. Are you
bringing your own fauna and flora, or will you
purchase as-is? And your preferred land area-to-ocean
ratio?”
The response sounded like
two angry alley cats spitting at one another.
“Ah, I see. As-is. Two
billion souls! Something in uncharted space? I
have just the planet for you! It’s not
too hot, and not too cold. It’s in the
Mutanioc system—22,000 light-years distant.
Why, it’s a real cream puff!”
“…I can assure
you, you’ll have excellent privacy. I’m
sending you the holographic specs now. You see
all the cosmic dust in the vicinity? It hides the
planet very effectively from prying long-range
scans.
“…Previous
occupants? No sir, this is a virgin planet!
Well… there were some indigenous primitives
who resided there several thousand years ago, but
they managed to kill themselves off after several
wars.
“…Uh-huh… No…
There are no radiological or biological
contaminants. Nothing but simple chemical
explosives were ever used, so there’s no
lingering damage to the environment.
“…It’s
available for immediate occupancy. We can sell it
to you for the low price of 8x10^34 credits.
Should you wish, I can introduce you to our
preferred lender at First Galactic Savings and
Loan.
“…Help with
moving? Sure! Nebula Real Estate can set up a
very reasonable arrangement through our affiliate,
Nebula Moving and Storage. Their fleet can easily
transport two billion Faldorians and their
property in no time.
“… The catch?
This is no catch, sir.
“… Its sun? Oh…
I see that you’ve done your due diligence.
Well, yes, it is… uh… in the early
stages of white dwarfism. But no system is
perfect. Consider this—you’ll have at least 200,000
quality years before there’ll be any
appreciable change. That’s a lot of
existence for you and your people. Besides, you’d
be ready to upsize then, anyway. Right?”
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