Chrristmas Crime
Scene At Ken's Shed
by Bill Naylor
Ken never
thought he would be calling the police on
Christmas morning. Christmas evening perhaps,
like last year when he needed a burly policeman
to eject an aged aunt who had overdosed on sherry,
and was pole dancing on the patio heater. But
this Christmas morning he’d gone out to his
garden shed at 7am, and discovered he’d had
a break in. Everything had been taken from the
ramshackle building, and the thieves had sprayed Merry
Christmas Kenneth. across the doors. Ken was
livid, he hated being called Kenneth. Shaking
with rage he telephoned the police. Before he had
time to replace the receiver, a small police car
delivered a large policeman to his door.
“I’m
sorry to call you out on Christmas morning
officer, I can hardly speak, I’m trembling.”
“What
seems to be the problem Mr Trembling?”
”I’ve
had a robbery."
The Officer
took out his notebook, “Items stolen!”
Ken counted
under his breath as the officer waited pen poised.
“A push
lawn mower, garden gnome, and a bird table with
two fat ball feeders.”
“In that
case we will draft in reinforcements from other
areas, cancel all police leave and notify the FBI.
Mr Trembling, while I’m stood here I could
be ticketing innocent motorists for fictitious
parking infringements.”
“Officer,
they’ve totally desecrated my garden.”
“Desecration!
That’s different, I won’t have
desecration on my patch, even though I’m not
sure what it means, lead the way?”
The policeman
closely examined the writing Merry Christmas,
Kenneth, sprayed on the on the shed door
“It never ceases to amaze me how stupid
thieves are, this guy’s only signed his name.”
“That’s
my name officer”
The officer
scribbled in his notebook, muttering, “Could
be an inside job.”
“Do you
want to take some fingerprints officer?”
“No
thanks, we’ve tons back at the station.”
Ken escorted
the policeman into his garden.
“As you
can see they’ve just run amok. They’ve
replaced the bird table with a tropical house,
complete with a waterfall, palm trees, and
tropical birds. In place of the gnome.
They’ve left a fountain that wouldn’t
look out of place in the Vatican. And my old push
mower has been replaced with a top of the range
ride on mower. What kind of warped mind could do
this?”
“I
investigate a lot of crime scenes, Mr Trembling.
I’m in the police force you see. The
criminal mind can be very unpredictable. Have you
heard of Jack the Ripper?”
“Yes I
have.”
“So have
I. You see in the excitement of a robbery,
thieves often panic and do all kinds of bizarre
things. That’s obviously what’s
happened here. You’re simply the innocent
victim of a crime that went horribly wrong.”
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