An Admirable Way
by Clive Aaron
Gill
Most nights,
for a month, I sat in tie-dye pajamas on my sofa,
eating chocolate chip cookies. During
weekdays, while doing clinical trials as a
researcher, I experienced frequent episodes of
self-doubt, obsessing over my lack of
thoroughness on a vaccine trial.
To avoid
thinking about the past or future, I shifted my
awareness to the present by watching birds
outside my bedroom before my breakfasts and
focusing on my breathing. I was intelligent and
capable. I had overcome other obstacles,
especially my fear of change. And I was
determined to defeat self-doubt.
But I needed
help. So, in January 2021, I enrolled in a “New
Year, New You” boot camp.
Maurice, my
gym trainer, suggested a nutritional diet and
exercises. “Let’s start with some
stretching, Kourtney,” he said.
I ate small
portions of healthy food, went to the gym
regularly, and Maurice gradually increased my
repetitions. “Girl,” he said, “see
how long you can get your target heart rate at
ninety percent of your heart’s capacity.”
Five weeks
later, I worked out on my own. After a four-mile
run on the treadmill, my knees wobbled and sweat
matted my hair. Then I jumped rope. I hopped over
a Bosu ball, hopped back, squatted, grabbed the
ball, stood, and squatted again.
In May, I
thought, “I’m putting myself through
torture. It’s all pain and very little gain.
And I still feel insecure.” I hated the
fitness buffs who talked about the rush they got
when exercising as if they actually enjoyed their
workouts.
I fantasized
about eating fast food. So, after six months, I
quit trying to be a person who handles self-doubt
in an admirable way. Remembering the high I got
when eating fast food, I had no doubt about what
I wanted. I hurried to Burger King where I felt
secure while indulging in a Triple Whopper with
extra mayo and an Oreo Chocolate Shake.
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