Admiralty
Starship 'Beppo'
by Roger
Pattison
“It says
‘Beppo’ on the side in VERY BIG LETTERS,
Captain.” The pilot squinted into the screen
and distorted his face into a doughnut in the
operation.
The second
officer agreed. “Must be right then, Captain;
anything written THAT BIG has to be right.
Don’t it?”
“Consult
the ship’s Oracle, Purser,” shouted the
Captain whose cage was definitely starting to
rattle.
The Purser
disappeared into the Oracular compartment, but
was back in less time than it takes to say it.
“Too busy” said Purse.
“Well!”
said the Captain, “I cannot believe that any
Admiralty Starship can have the ridiculous name
of ‘Beppo’.
“I
don’t think it’s all that odd, Captain,”
said Purse.
“And that
is supposed mean?”
“I mean
it’s not all that odd a name considering the
Admiralty chose to name you ‘Warthog’,
Captain Warthog.”
“Consult
the Oracle again, Purser!” spat the captain.
Purse shrugged
and returned to the Oracular compartment.
“Too busy;”
said Purse on his swift return; “but the
Oracle did make an observation.”
“Come on,
man, spit it out,” said Captain Warthog (who
was called George Bernard Shaw by his friends,
but he didn’t have any; so he wasn’t).
“The
Oracle said that the letters were indeed VERY BIG,
but it looked like they’d been painted on by
a welder with a donkey’s arse. That is,
‘using a donkey’s arse’, you
understand.” Purse went back about his
business that mostly consisted of looking for
things to count.
“I seeee.....”
said Captain George Bernard Shaw aka Warthog.
“Sir, sir,
me sir!” Monopoly board ‘Agnostic’,
jumped up and down with his hand up.
“Yes,
Nose-drip? Speak up man!” Warthog did his
own jumping up and down on the spot while
hallucinating on waterholes in the Serengeti.
“It might
be a scam, sir,” said First Mate Agnostic (who
was called ‘Nose-drip’ by his relatives,
of which there was a whole planetful. Confusingly,
they were all called ‘Nose-drip’. In
that tongue it translated to ‘God of the
Diamond Throat Lozenge’. Slightly more
decorous but no less irritating).
“It might
be Parrots. Sir.”
The Captain
raised his eyes heavenwards. “Any idea where
this man’s brain is, Purser?” said the
Captain.
“Well, if
he’s anything like the rest of your race,
sir, I’d go for groin area. I’ve never
detected much activity above that.”
Meanwhile..........
In the darkest deepnesses of deep space, a
starship benignly sailed, externally adorned with
a welder and a donkey. Writ large and
incompetently on the starship’s hull was
‘BEP’. A suited figure floated
gracefully from the hatch, and stood back with
hands on hips, surveying the sign-writing
progress.
“How does
‘BEP’ fit in with ‘The Queen of
the Skies’ that we ordered?”
“We can
only spell, ‘BEPPO’.” Said the
donkey.
Meanwhile...........
In the deepest darknesses of deep space, a fleet
of star ships sailed benignly towards a starship
called ‘BEPPO’, which also sailed
benignly. Of course.
The fleet of
ships, which were all called ‘BEPPO’,
acknowledged the starship called
‘BEPPO’.
Captain
Warthog addressed the approaching fleet. "For
a donkey who can’t spell, that guy sure gets
a lot of work.”
Meanwhile..........
Back at the plot, zngyerghb has just betrayed
kjfngklgj to the fkjnbkj. Whbk flies in on a kurt
kjlk. Fast. Or slow if the time zone is Thursday
lunchtime.
Never did get
the hang of plots.
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