Absurdia
by M. V.
Montgomery
Just ate a whole bottle of
appetite suppressant tablets. They were amazing.
I wish I was a plant and
could just sit in my food all day.
If my plants don’t
perk up soon and start growing like they’re
supposed to, I’m going to sit down right in
front of them and slowly, deliberately eat a
salad.
Give a man a fish, he’ll
get his Omega3s; teach a man to fish, he could
die of mercury poisoning.
Fool me once, not so hard.
Fool me twice, not so hard either. Please, just
stop fooling with me.
The barber inspected my
scalp and asked if I was “growing out”
or “thinning out.” I shot him, so I
guess that counts as thinning out.
Don’t worry, I’m
not mixing up products from different animals in
this omelet: I used goat eggs.
Would you like me to sign
that e-book for you?
I like standing right
behind the cashier when I’m being checked
out at the store. That way, I can pay it forward.
I’ll often select one
of my Christmas gifts at random, take it up to
the Customer Service counter at any store, and
just walk away. If asked, I won’t accept any
money or credit for the item. That’s ‘cuz
I believe it’s really important for all of
us to give back.
I’ve been thrown under
the bus so many times my name could be Jack.
This guy I know called his
girlfriend and distinctly heard another male
voice in the background, and immediately went
over to kill her with a rifle in a jealous rage,
but as it turned out, it had only been him on the
speaker phone!!! So no worries, their
relationship is still rock solid.
World’s Worst
Fundraiser: For every ten cartons of
cigarettes our scouts sell, one armament will be
sent to an impoverished, war-torn area of the
globe.
Joke for Los Niños
Pequeños: What happens when you put uno, dos,
tres, quattro people into a canoe? You’re
going to cinco!
Vidi, squee; vini, squee;
vici, squee you see, I still remember my pig
Latin.
So old, I think Kickstarter
is a kind of motorbike.
I’m not “on”
Facebook or Twitter or any other controlled
substance.
That tornado last week
really put the fun in funnel cloud.
Bruce Jenner, the white
Michael Jackson.
Spending too much time on
computer, getting Bob Costas eyes.
My Cahiers du Cinema review:
“Twelve Years a Slave is one of those
movies that totally delivers on its title, like Three
Men and a Baby, Four Weddings and a
Funeral, or Snakes on a Plane.”
How to speak Southern: Step
One, say “Bless his/her heart” with
reference to someone you don’t like; Step
Two, learn to stack your verbs: “was wanting”
(novice level), “might could drop by” (advanced
level); Step Three, explore the reflexive
possibilities in all other verbs (“likes him
some,” “wants him some more”).
A “post-apocalyptic
world”: how is that even possible?
Would you call a follower
of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day
Saints who drinks, lies and swears an “oxy-Mormon”?
I’m still searching
for a Heart of Gold. Because if the relationship
doesn’t work out, you can always sell it.
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