Vegan Dog and
Stoned Cat
by Jerry Guarino
Hanging out near a pond in
the pacific northwest, Marley and Jeri were
commiserating about how their life has changed,
and not for the better. While their owners
were living the progressive lifestyle, the pets
were suffering. Marley’s owners were
vegan and Jeri’s owners were stoners.
“I don’t know
Marley. At least you can get out of the
house when you want. I’m stuck inside
most of the day while my owners fill the air with
pot smoke. I can only sneak out when
someone opens the door.”
“Jeri, at least you
don’t have to eat it. My owners think
that just because they’re vegan, that I
should be one too. Have you ever had vegan
food? It’s terrible. Where’s
the beef?”
“Have you tried
complaining?”
“Jeri, I’ve tried
everything. I leave notes by my dog bowl.
I scowl at them when they ask if I’m hungry.
I push the food bowl away, even tip it over.
All they do is give me more.”
“You leave notes?”
“Yes, here, I brought
one.”
Needless to say, Marley’s
penmanship left a lot to be desired.
“What language is this?”
“Why?”
“It looks like chicken
scratch. And I know; I have a friend who’s
a chicken.”
“But you get meat in
your meals, right?”
“When they remember to
feed me. Stoners aren’t the most
responsible people. Sometimes it’s
days between feedings and don’t get me
started about cleaning my litter box.”
“Jeri, there ought to
be a law.”
“There is a law, they
made it legal.”
“Oh yeah.”
“We need a plan Jeri.”
“I’m too wasted
to think straight Marley. What do you think?”
“The grandparents are
visiting this week. One of them uses an
oxygen device. Maybe I could sneak it out
for you.”
“Wonderful! And
maybe I could sneak out some of my cat food, tuna
and beef. Would you like that?”
“Oh, I’d kill for
some real food. Believe me, I’ve been
chasing birds and squirrels every time I get out.
I’m just too weak to catch them on this
vegetable diet.”
**********************************************************
Marley and Jeri met the
next day by the pond. Jeri sucked on the
oxygen tube and Marley munched on Jeri’s cat
food. Suddenly, a duck fell out of the sky
and landed in the pond next to them. Marley
rescued him.
“What happened?”
“I was eating some
seeds and bread and when I took off, I felt faint.
I was lucky not to land on the road.”
Jeri cried and confessed.
“I’m sorry. My owner threw out
some pot brownies.”
Marley nudged the cat food
over to the duck. “Here, have some
tuna.”
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