The War of
Strange Worlds
by Ralphie A Burcke
From his
platform on the endocrine gland Strepto, the King
of Cocci, addresses his tribe:
“You all
know that we had to leave our last habitat, due
to overpopulation, after the arrival of those
dastardly viruses. Finally, since our exodus from
the Primal Crap…”
The crowd
answers in unison: “All hail the Stinky One!”
And Strepto
continues: “…we have found a rather
microbe-friendly human, who has tolerable
chemical levels and an over-ripe liver.”
Cheers from everyone. “Let us sup and make
merry!”
The party
lasted all through the human’s sleep period,
but then the scouts, under the command of general
Bac Illus, came in with some appalling news.
Apparently, their arch-enemies, the E-colli, had
found this delicious morsel first and were headed
their way in attack formation. Strepto addressed
his people anew:
“Colli,
mount your blood cells. The evil Colli have found
out our bed of diseased joy. We’ll head them
off at the aorta. bloody battle is at hand and
possibly afoot aswell. General Illus, take the
lead!”
Bac answered:
“Aye, aye, Mire!” (=Title of honour
amongst bacteria)
There ensued
an epic battle, but sadly the Cocci were running
out of oromones, the only effective defense
against the dreaded Colli. (Note: Oromones are
like ferromones, but made of gold. Much more
effective and rarer.) They retreated and hid in
the ventricular valve to hold their war council.
General Illus reported that they were outnumbered
fifty to one, but thankfully an exchange of
fluids was in progress. Their only hope lay in
escape.
The Colli were
decimating their numbers and the Cocci made a
hasty retreat through the Valley of Poop, all the
while gorging themselves on manna, for Shit only
knew where they would land next. Strepto shouted:
“General
Illus, hold them off as best you can, while we
head for the nearest exit. Our fate lies in your
hands!” The old soldier was a dour Cocci,
whose whole family had been lost, during an
untimely dump. He swore to hold out as long as he
possibly could.
The remaining
Cocci population were holed up in the scrotum,
awaiting transportation, when report came that
the brave general’s troops had been overrun
and their annihilation was imminent. Missus
Strepto wailed:
“We can
only pray for premature ejaculation to save the
day!” And thank the Holy Crap that it did
come timely and the Cocci tribe were consequently
transported into a strange new womb, where none
of their kind had ever gone before.
They lived to
greet another day, thanks to the sacrifice of
General Illus, who shall forever be remembered in
the anus of the tribe, where they found a new
home and lived shabbily ever after. Amen!
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