Stonewalled
by Sheila
Cornelius
‘Welcome!
You are through to OffTtrust, the Greyfield Sites
regulatory body. Please listen carefully to the
following options:
Press one for Abbeys, Monasteries and Hermitages;
Press two for Castles, Keeps and Bunkers;
Press three for Stone Circles and Long Barrows;
Press four for Roman Villas, Walls and
Amphitheatres.
Press five for Windmills, Barns and Follies. Or
please hold to speak to an advisor.’
Jim swore,
pressed 3 and listened to a recording of
‘The Lark Ascending’. He was about to
hang up when the chirruping was interrupted.
'Good morning
and thank you for calling OffTrust. My name is
Colin. How may I help?'
‘It's
about one of your ruins,’ said Jim.
‘The name
of the edifice and its and location, sir?’
‘Stonehenge,
Salisbury Plain.’
There was a
slight pause, then: ‘It’s on my screen
now, sir. What seems to be the problem?’
‘It’s
spoiling my view. I’ve complained to the
council but they’ve passed me on to you.’
‘Just a
couple of security checks, sir. If you could
confirm your name and address.’
‘James
Stanford, 673 Old Sarum Tower.’
‘Ah, yes,
Petrificarum estate, built by Heritage View
Developers. And how may I help you today? ‘
‘They
built it too close’
‘Sorry?’
‘Like I
said, they didn't allow enough space. When I look
out all I can see is a grey slab blocking the
light. I’d like to get my hands on whoever
did the measuring.’
‘Number
673 Old Sarum Towers is one of the
‘affordable homes’, I believe, sir.’
‘I’m
right on a level with one of the cross-pieces. I
have to keep the lights on. Nothing grows on my
balcony.’
‘And on
the other side, sir?’
‘Druidstone
Tower. ’
‘I
understand. Your complaint has been registered
and you should hear something within 28 working
days.’
‘I’m
not moving,' Jim said quickly, before Colin could
hang up. ‘Make sure they know that. I need
to be near my daughter.’
‘Oh,
don’t worry. It may be possible to modify
the edifice, sir.’
‘You mean
alter Stonehenge? Are you sure?’
‘Yes, sir.
Land decontamination and clearance costs millions
on the brownfield sites, so taking an arch or two
from Tintern Abbey or a few bricks out of
Hadrian’s Wall is cost-efficient.
‘What
about confiscating some of the land owned by the
toffs and royals instead? Compulsory purchase,
that’d release some building land.’
‘I will
make an onscreen note of your suggestion, sir. Is
there anything else I can help you with today?’
‘Well,
there is one thing, yes. It happens every
solstice, regular as clockwork; we get thousands
of gawpers with cameras and old geezers in
nightgowns. I know it’s only twice a year,
but something needs to be done about it.’
‘Ah,’
said Colin. I’m afraid that comes under
‘Rites, Gatherings and Festivals’.
Transferring you now, sir. Thank you for calling
OffTrust.’
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