Simple Simon - A
Tale of Modern Neuroses
by Janette Perkins
Simple
Simon Met a Pieman going to the Fair
Simple –
who said I am? Am I an airhead, a thicko, a
duffer - did I get diagnosed by a
psychiatrist? Why aren’t I at school? Am I
school refuser, if so am I statemented? So here I
am on a road to a fair on my own, without a
responsible adult and without a mobile
phone or a personal attack alarm in the middle of
nowhere on my way to meet a stranger. What about
stranger danger? Am I safe from gangs and child
molesters?
Who is this
pieman? Has he been vetted or should I contact a
police disclosure unit? Is he licensed by Trading
Standards and Environmental Health agencies to
sell pies? What kind of pies are they? If
vegetarian, have the vegetables been sprayed with
chemical pesticides, or are they genetically
modified?
If meat pies,
what kind? Has the meat been produced by British
farmers displaying the red tractor symbol or has
it come from Argentina via Southern Ireland? Have
the animals been reared and slaughtered in humane
conditions? If they are chicken pies, were the
fowls battery reared or free range? If they were
corn fed, did the grain come from an EU grain
mountain? So what about the pastry – is it
low fat, low calorie, and is the flour gluten
free, more importantly, was the flour milled in a
factory free from nut traces?
More
importantly, why am I going to the fair in the
first place – do I have amnesia and should I
be going somewhere else? What kind of fair is it
– a trade fair, craft fair, horse fair, toy
fair, job fair, wedding fair or a fun fair? If
it’s a job fair – am I old enough to
work, or could I be taken overseas and sold as
enforced child labour? If it is a fun fair, what
kind of fun - comedy - stand up, slapstick
like pie throwing? Are there rides, have they
been checked for health and safety defects –
will there be dodgems, helter skelter and coconut
shies? Here comes the nut allergy thing again! If
it’s a wedding fair, am I old enough to be
married? Is it an arranged marriage, if so who
arranged it?
Why is the
pieman going to the fair – is he following
me- am I under surveillance, is there a hidden
camera in his pie tray? Will images of me be
posted all over Facebook without my permission,
and then will a barrage of unwanted messages
follow? Or is he meeting up with a load of other
piemen and in disguise they are plotting to
overthrow the government?
On reflection,
I don’t think I’ll go to the fair after
all. I’ll turn around and go and find Jack
and Jill instead.
Now Jack and
Jill – are they partners, are they in a
steady relationship………..?
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