President!
by Justin Fish
Perhaps
nothing is quite as satisfying as a job well done.
To set a goal, plan its execution, and see the
whole project through to the final glorious
moment of completion may be one of life’s
greatest pleasures. Of course, setting a goal,
giving it a great deal of thought and then
deciding your time would be much better spent
doing something, anything, other than achieving
your goal is pretty enjoyable too. But one can
only spend so much time wondering why cheese is
so funny, and if you don’t think cheese is
funny, sit and stare at a hunk of it while
wringing your hands and chanting ‘cheese,
cheese, cheese, cheese’ over and over again.
I guarantee you that the rest of us will think
you are very funny.
That’s
why I decided to grow a beard.
Actually, you
chanting at a hunk of cheese has very little to
do with why I decided to grow a beard. I
can’t remember ever thinking, “Boy,
you’re goofy. I think I’ll grow a beard.” We
do think you’re a little weird, but
that’s probably due to the time you stood up
at town meeting coated in peanut butter and
Cheerios and proclaimed, “I am the Stick-Man!” But
you are adorable, and we love you anyway.
I grew a beard
because I wanted to either have a goal and
achieve it through effort and hard work or have a
goal and achieve it without having to do any work
whatsoever, and according to the National Beard
Registry, ninety-nine Civil War Generals and
Admirals had beards, and three of them later
became President of the United States. One
out of every thirty-three people with beards is
going to be President. Those are incredible odds!
The war part
isn’t relevant here because that was a long
time ago and people were shorter then, so even
though I’m not the biggest fan of walking
long distances, I am probably taller than they
were. That should count for something.
Ever since I
was a child, I have never once thought about
being President, but I don’t think that
should stop me. Sometimes the greatest blessings
are unexpected. I once made a pot roast and
forgot to add the carrots. So I cooked them
afterwards and just mixed them in with everything
else, and they were still good.
Do you like
pot roast? I like pot roast.
So I’m
pretty sure I’m going to be President, and
I’m very reassured by the research I’ve
done on the matter. Apparently it’s all
in the beard.
That’s my
goal. I’m working hard to achieve it. I
never really thought of myself as a beard person,
but if it can get me a ride in a private airplane,
I’m all for it.
And if you
promise to vote for me, I’ll promise to not
tease you about chanting at cheese. I would
recommend you not do the whole peanut butter and
Cheerios thing at town meeting again. Once
was enough.
Try cream
cheese and Cheez-Its. Now that would impress
us.
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