Hair Hates Hats
by Rose DeShaw
When humans were new on the
planet, the alien called HAIR sneaked in and made
its home on top of our brains. Which explains
everything.
Bald guys are off the hook.
Everybody else has to deal, especially movie
stars. Hair doesn’t like to be messed with.
Which explains the early demise of Marilyn Monroe
and Jean Harlow, neither one natural blondes. It
also explains why fancy Hollywood HAIR wearers as
well as pop stars, seem a little spacey, as
though they’re listening to something no one
else can hear. It’s the alien on their heads.
Proof? Hat hair. HAIR hates
not being able to see. It will take revenge even
if your ears are in danger of falling off in the
cold. HAIR’s payback is professionally
documented on driver’s licenses and passport
pictures the world over.
Yes, HAIR has it
tributaries elsewhere on the body, to hinder
propagation anyway it can. Look at those ads
about ‘unsightly hairs.’ HAIR hates
those. What HAIR is up to with moustaches,
goatees and beards doesn’t bear thinking
about. Don’t tell me you’ve never waked
up at 3AM asking yourself why HAIR positions
itself around the bodily orifices?
The popular image of green
and slimy aliens is a HAIR invention to throw us
off the trail. Plus it charms us. Humans admire
their own HAIR in the mirror, its color and curl.
Women use it for flirting, men let it hang from
their chins.
HAIR wants to see in all
directions, act as our own little GPS system.
Ever think about why you start out to do
something and find yourself doing something else
altogether? Or enter a room and not be able to
remember what you went for? HAIR having its
little joke.
Has no one noticed how
great HAIR looks just before an appointment? HAIR
doesn’t want to be messed with, especially
cut. Ever wonder why there are so many HAIR
commercials and products? No other body parts get
the same attention.
Be aware of HAIR’S
moods. When HAIR loses volume, looks lifeless,
stay away from the tops of high buildings, even
the tops of stairs. Cross only in the crosswalks
till HAIR has recovered.
What can be done? Baldly
fight or befriend. Most opt for treating HAIR
like a pet with special conditioners and shampoos,
talking to it when alone and putting its needs
first. “I can’t go out in this rain. It
will ruin my HAIR!” some HAIR groupie
will say -
(Note to self - Surely
I’m not alone in figuring this out?
I’ll tell the world and others will join me
and we’ll all be safe though bald as science
fiction actors )– URK! ARGHHH! SPLAT!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
NOTE FROM THE
EXECUTOR – This piece forwarded to you as
submitting it was obviously the writer’s
intent. Unfortunately, her head half-shaved, she
seems to have succumbed to the lure of an open
window. Please do not take this writing seriously.
It is hard to believe anyone’s last words
could contain such nonsense.
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