Etiquette And
The Most Wanted
by Rose DeShaw
The tendency
among America’s Most Wanted to flee directly
to Canada has not gone unnoticed by law
enforcement on both sides of the border though
initial attempts have proven unsuccessful in
stemming the tide.
Consequently,
among media aware denizens of run-down boarding
houses throughout the nation, the increasingly
common discovery of fellow-tenant-as-notorious-felon
has caused serious re-examination of the most
basic premises of modern etiquette.
Here’s
the scene: One is sitting around the common room
watching television when it becomes apparent that
the 6 foot 5 axe murderer whose particulars are
lighting up the screen, bears a striking
resemblance to the taciturn body-builder hunkered
down at the other end of the sofa. The two of you
happen to be alone.
In such
circumstances, bellowing, ‘HEY, THAT GUY
SURE LOOKS LIKE YOU!” is unwise.
Gibbering,
‘Beer Break!’ while leaping up and
attempting to sidle off to the kitchen with your
cell phone may make the object of one’s
concern uneasy, especially if milk is the only
drink in the communal refrigerator.
Still,
continuing to sit side by side watching the show,
which by then may be detailing the mutilations of
7 or 8 innocent bystanders that annoyed this
particular fugitive in the past, may not be an
option. Remember, true etiquette is simply the
art of making others feel comfortable.
The
decisiveness on the part of your television
viewing companion manifested by putting his size
14 boot through the screen may indicate that your
new acquaintance is not truly at his ease.
What would
be the proper procedure to follow for you as a
sensitive and all ‘round politically correct
individual in such an ordinary, everyday
situation?
1) Determine
the source of his discomfort. Perhaps his
sensitive personality deplores televised
depictions of violence or badly-reenacted
docudramas?
2) Empathize, enumerating your commonalities.
True, you are a bifurcated 5’4”
subscriber to Mother Jones, struggling to gain
weight but between you is recognition of the
uniqueness of the male condition.
3) Give him a hug, expressing your complete
acceptance of his as yet unarticulated anxiety.
4) Then allow him time on his own to reflect,
explaining that there are many calls on
one’s time and you (and your cell phone)
must be on your way. You will be amazed at how
his understanding has grown during this all too
brief encounter.
5) If he has bought any of this, exit gracefully
with promises to lunch. Once on the street, of
course, run like blazes while punching in 911 and
screaming for help!
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