Would You Ask A
Librarian For A Lap Dance?
by Roz Warren
In the 15
years that I’ve worked at my local public
library, I’ve learned that we librarians do
plenty of things for our patrons that aren’t
in our job descriptions. After a patron asked me
to change her flat tire, and another wanted to
check out our pencil sharpener, I logged
onto my favorite librarian hangout on Face Book
and asked: What’s the oddest thing a
patron has ever asked you to do?
The first
response?
Someone just
asked me for a good book to read on the toilet.
Quickly
followed by:
A patron who
was on his way to the casino wanted to rub my red
hair for good luck.
Last week a
woman came in asking for my help to get the
witches and demons to stop pinching her.
A patron once
asked me to sit on his lap. (I laughed at him.)
Unusual Patron
Requests proved to be a hot topic. Within a day,
I had over 100 responses, as librarians shared
stories about that special patron who:
Asked if she
could leave her kids at the circ desk with me
while she ran errands.
Wanted me to
find books to prove that he was Julius Caesar,
reincarnated.
Asked me to
tell the man sitting at the computer next to hers
to stop controlling her computer with his
thoughts.
Brought in a
mounted wildebeest head and asked if we could
store it in the archives for the summer.
I soon
realized that Odd Patron Requests fell into
categories. Some requests were from patrons who
wanted to look their best -- with our help.
A woman once
asked if she could trade pants with me because
she was going on a job interview.
A man once
asked me to use library tape to remove lint from
his suit jacket.
I’ve been
asked my opinion about which frame a patron
should select for her new glasses.
One man asked
if he could use our community meeting room to
shave with an electric razor. (“Is the power
out at your house?” I asked. “Nope,”
he said. No further explanation.)
After asking
me a reference question, one patron pulled a
toothbrush from her fanny pack and went to town
on her teeth as I spoke. And when that was done,
she brought out the dental floss.
Some requests
were car-related:
People have
been known to come to the reference desk and ask
if we have jumper cables.
A patron once
asked to borrow my boss’s car.
One of our
regulars asked me to drive her to a town two
hours away so she could look at apartments.
There were
numerous requests for Library Hanky Panky:
Last week, a
patron asked me to have sex with him in the alley.
I didn’t.
A 50-year-old
guy asked our Children’s Librarian to join
him in the rest room. No dice.
One patron
asked me to meet him in the copy room. (Wink wink.)
Sorry, no.
I once had a
male patron in his 50s who wouldn’t leave
the reference desk until I told him he was
naughty. (Handled by stating, deadpan, no eye
contact, “Go on with your bad self, then.”)
Librarians
have been asked to break the law:
A male patron
once offered me $100 if I’d go into somebody’s
yard and steal a cactus.
A patron once
offered me $50 to make her a fake passport.
One patron
wanted me to tell her my son’s social
security number so she could use it to get more
financial assistance. (I said no.)
Many unusual
library questions are medical in nature:
One patron
appeared in my office doorway holding a cotton
swab and a petri dish and began by saying “You
can totally say no to this….” (I did.)
Let’s
just say that if I wanted to diagnose Athlete’s
Foot, I’d have a MD, not a MLIS.
“Does
this look infected?”
Some patrons
want to take our innate helpfulness and eagerness
to serve the library community to the next level:
One patron
phoned and asked me to check out a list of books
for her and drop them off at her house.
A patron once
asked for my home phone number so she could phone
me with reference questions when I wasn’t at
work.
Patrons have
asked me to do their taxes, clean their homes,
and perform at their children’s birthday
parties.
A patron once
asked me if he could borrow $7,000.
A woman once
asked me to go look for a dead body she was sure
was buried by a lake, because the police wouldn’t
listen to her.
We are also
called upon to Identify Things:
A patron once
asked me to identify a dead bug she’d taped
to a piece of notebook paper.
I was asked to
ID the snake a patron had caught in a bucket.
“There’s
a brownish-grey fluffy animal under my porch.
What is it?”
We’ve
also been called upon to research a variety of
interesting topics:
One patron
wanted me to find a book to teach her dog German.
I’ve been
asked to research how to avoid being cloned
without your permission.
A patron once
asked me to direct her to the books about Brazil
written specifically for Unborn Children.
I once
received a reference query from an inmate a
nearby correctional facility for “books on
how to levitate.”
Librarians are
helpful by nature, which means that often we’re
just fine with going above and beyond our job
descriptions to perform small acts of library
kindness:
An elderly
woman just asked me to tie her shoes for her. (I
did. She was too old to bend down and reach them
herself.)
A patron
recently asked me to help her find the tune and
lyrics to patriotic songs so she could sing them
to her Marine boyfriend on their upcoming road
trip to the state capital. (Sadly, this woman had
a mental illness, and there was no boyfriend or
road trip, but I treated the question as if there
were.)
Despite the
odd requests, we librarians remain undaunted. We
continue to love library work. And of course,
everyone loves a library story with a happy
ending. For instance?
A divorced dad
came to Story Hour, asked me out, then asked me
to marry him!! I did!
This
piece first appeared on www.womensvoicesforchange.org
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