"Poets from Manchester need only apply."
"If you're not gay or a practising feminist then it's bye bye."
Don't send in unsolicited poems you unheard of, aspiring, poet stalker.
Hang on! Unsolicited? Don't make me out as some kind of street walker!

"We only accept work though an agent." I'm not Madonna incidentally.
Perhaps my driver could drop off my manuscript to you in his Bentley?
If you don't include an SAE we'll chuck your work in a nearby ditch.
Don't forget the covering letter to the Editor you must grovel like a bitch!

If it's not double lined spacing admin will be squaking.
All this technology..Hey! I'm not Stephen Hawking!
I'm not good with computers I'm just a lowly poet.
Yet one typing misdemeanour and you're saying I could blow it!

Did Wordsworth have to use Microsoft Publisher for his blasted sins?
Did his daffodils have to be Welsh and lesbian in origin?
Doesn't this contradict the poet's license to freedom and creativity?
Shrouding their imagination in geeky pedantic negativity.

When my PC is crashing very flowery language my mouth doth yield.
Why can't I just go and be inspired by nature and sit serenely in a field?
If there's all this hassle before my poems get round to being inspected.
It ruddy feels like I'm being rejected before I've even been rejected!

I've written all my life and just want something to show for it.
Dear Hallowed Editor give me a chance - I'm a poet and I know it!