We're
Celebrating Our Divorce! And You're Invited!
by Roz Warren
According to a
recent New York Times article “divorce
ceremonies” in which couples get together
one last time to commemorate the demise of their
marriage are big in Japan. So it’s only a
matter of time before you open your mail and find:
Come celebrate
our divorce! We’re asking friends and family
to gather to bid farewell to us as a long-married
couple and say hello to our new roles of Smug
Hubby with a Brand New Trophy Fiance and Bitter,
Struggling Single Mom!
It’ll be
a blast!
First,
we’ll divide up all our friends. You’ll
have to choose between Team Suzi and Team Bill.
Once made this choice is final -- no second
thoughts and no going back!
While Suzi and
her team throw darts and scream insults at a life-size
photo of Bill’s lovely new soon-to-be Trophy
Wife (she’s a younger, more compliant
version of Suzi), Bill will climb into the ring
and go ten rounds with a party clown wearing a
face mask made from a recent photo of Suzi’s
therapist.
Next, Suzi
will read a list of the many gripes and
complaints she’s accumulated over the course
of the marriage. (If she’s left anything out,
members of Team Suzi will remind her!) Then
she’ll burn that stupid Eagles shirt Bill
got her for Valentine’s Day. Bill will
follow with his own litany of grievances. Once
the marriage’s dirty laundry has been
thoroughly aired, Teams Suzi and Bill will face
each other and spend ten minutes shouting F***K
YOU!
Then the
Healing Begins! Bill and his team will come up
with a list of Ten Wonderful Things About Suzi --
the qualities that first made him want to spend
the rest of his life with her. To help Suzi start
down the path of finding Bill’s replacement,
Teams Bill and Suzi will use this list to draft
Suzi’s Match.com profile. Once completed,
the profile will be posted.
After a
rousing game of Pin The Alimony Decree On The Ex,
refreshments will be served --
For Team Bill
-- the best champagne!
For Team Suzi
-- cheap beer to cry into!
Next,
we’ll publicly disavow each one of our
wedding vows, accompanied by snarky commentary
from our teams. Then it’s time for the
ceremonial ripping up of our marriage contract.
Finally -- the
solemn casting of our wedding rings into the
toilet!
The toilet will be flushed by our respective
divorce attorneys, unless our respective mothers-in-law
would prefer to do the honors.
We hope you
can make it. It just wouldn’t be the same
horrible, painful and acrimonious break-up
without you!
(In lieu of
gifts, we ask that our guests bring cash
donations to help pay for our children’s
therapy.)
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