The
Unicorn's Teapot
by Zach Smith
“Sir, I think I found
something,” said Russell, without looking
away from his telescope.
“What is it?” asked Berry.
“It appears to be a teapot floating in space.”
“A teapot? How far out is it?”
“Very far, describing the number of miles
would probably take over thirty syllables.”
“Well, that description of the number only
took twenty-three syllables.”
Russell looked between his telescope and Berry
several times.
“Trying to explain…” he mumbled,
counting the syllables on his fingertips. “Fine.
Now, what are we going to do about this teapot?”
“Nothing. It’s not bothering anyone out
there.”
“We’ve discovered a Russell’s
Teapot.”
“Sure. You discovered it and named it after
yourself. That’s standard practice.”
“No, it’s not Russell’s Teapot. It’s
a Russell’s Teapot. It is a logical paradox.
It shouldn’t exist, yet here it is.”
“Could I see this teapot?”
“Oh, yes, sorry.”
Russell tapped a few keys on his keyboard to
project his telescope onto the monitor.
“Oh... how about that, you weren’t
joking.”
“You thought I was joking?” asked
Russell.
“Either joking or starting to crack from so
many nights alone in the dark observatory. But I
guess not. Now, what is this Russell’s
Teapot you were talking about?”
“If someone says there’s a teapot
floating in space between Earth and Mars, and it
can’t be observed, it can’t be assumed
to exist in as much as it can’t be proven
not to.
“Well, in that case, This is not a Russell’s
teapot.”
“And how do you know that?”
“Three things. First, it could be a
hallucination we are both seeing, but that’s
unlikely. Second, you said it is very far away,
even if you were coy about it, so I assume it’s
safely outside of the orbit of Mars. And Third,
we are observing it. A Russell’s teapot must
not be observed to exist... I think.”
“All good points,” said Russell. “I
think you’re right. But still, how did it
get out there?”
“Maybe it belonged to an invisible pink
unicorn?” Offered Berry.
“What?”
“It’s another logic paradox. How can a
unicorn be invisible and pink at the same time?”
“Actually…” said Russell, tapping
the keyboard again.
The monitor zoomed away from the teapot and
changed color to a shade of pink so bright that
it hurt their eyes in a way they couldn’t
describe. As the monitor and their eyes adjusted,
they saw the faint outline of a pink unicorn
running through the sky, chasing after the teapot.
“Somehow, I’m not surprised.”
“Yeah, me neither,” said Russell.
“I wonder how long the unicorn has been
chasing the teapot.”
“Forever,” said Berry.
“What?”
“Think about it. By the time the unicorn
catches up to where the teapot was, the teapot
will have moved a little further, and then, when
the unicorn catches up to where the teapot was
the second time, the teapot will have moved a
little more again, and so on.”
“Now you’re just making stuff up,”
said Russell.
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