The Telemarketer
by Eric Suhem
There was a stir of
excitement in the office as the double-doors
opened and Marge walked in. “Marge is here!”
said one of the telemarketers as Marge strode
toward her cubicle, and the office manager looked
on indignantly, as her cubicle was much larger
than his office. Marge’s cubicle was lined
with gold trim and filled with lavish
accoutrements, Minions ran in and out of her
cubicle, receiving instructions. “Get me a
cup of coffee,” commanded Marge, and a
junior telemarketer named Phil hurried off to the
kitchen area. On his way back to Marge’s
cubicle, Phil tripped on a power cord and spilled
the coffee on the grey nylon carpeting. “Do
I have to do everything myself?” sighed
Marge as she went to the kitchen area, prepared
the coffee, and then returned to her cubicle.
“Sir, may I interest
you in a set of double-paned windows?” asked
Marge on her gold-plated headset during a sales
call. The man on the phone replied that he lived
in a basement and didn’t need windows.
“You need to show more gumption and stick-to-itiveness!”
commanded Marge, who often took it upon herself
to make a difference and whip people into shape.
She just knew when the customer
on the phone line was slacking. “Lift
yourself out of that basement and make something
happen! Initiative starts with ‘I’,
think about it!” urged Marge. The customer
eventually agreed to buy the windows, and it was
another success for Marge.
Marge called the junior
telemarketer Phil into her cubicle. “Well
Phil, you failed at retrieving my morning coffee,
but I have another assignment for you.”
“Yes Marge, I want to
do whatever I can to further the goals of Acme
Window Company.”
“That’s good to
hear, Phil. Now this company has a vision, and
the vision is through a window. I’ve decided
to reassign you to the window-washing team, and I
would like you to make detailed observations of
our customers as you wash their windows, and then
report it all to me.”
“Isn’t that
spying, and doesn’t this have to be approved
by our manager?”
“Don’t worry
about him, and no, we’re simply gathering
data needed for improved customer service,”
said Marge. “You won’t regret this Phil,
it’s going to lead to new opportunities for
you here at Acme Window Company.”
Over the next few weeks,
Phil washed windows and peered through the glass,
viewing inhabitants engaged in various levels of
corruption. Tawdry affairs, embezzlement of funds,
infliction of bodily harm. Phil took note of the
activities, and then reported it all to Marge.
“Marge, what are you doing with all this
surveillance information?” Phil asked her
one day.
“Don’t worry
about it Phil, it’s just customer research,”
said Marge. Later that night, she was back on the
phone, squeezing money out of the people Phil had
observed, the blackmail financing her latest
cubicle decoration plans.
Eventually, Phil put two
and two together, realizing that he was being
used as a pawn in Marge’s twisted blackmail
schemes. He reported everything to the office
manager, who immediately called the police.
Within minutes, the police were in Marge’s
cubicle and she was arrested.
As Marge was taken away in
handcuffs, the office manager said, “Marge,
we all admire your work ethic, and we’re
sorry to see you go.” He then smiled and
removed the masking tape label ‘Property of
Marge’ from her stapler, thinking about
converting her cubicle into a kitchen area
extension or a coffee nook.
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