The Opposite
Effect
by Linda Garnett
The exhausted
vampire went to see the village witch doctor.
"I'm
suffering from insomnia, Doc."
"Tell me
when this started."
"I had a
beautiful accountant for dinner a week ago. When
I bit her, I realized I'd made a terrible mistake.
She tasted like sugar. Her perfume had masked the
smell of it."
"What's
wrong with a sweet tasting neck?" said the
witch doctor.
"All
vampires know that's what workaholics taste like.
We avoid them because one bite gives a shot of
adrenaline that lasts for weeks and when it wears
off, we become insomniacs."
"Doesn't
the insomnia also wear off after a while?"
"No. We
eventually get too exhausted to bite anyone and
we starve to death."
"That's
definitely a downside. Why come to me?"
"Witch
doctors have potions for everything don't they?"
said the vampire.
"Mine are
usually for love, but let me check my manual."
The witch doctor opened a large tattered book on
his desk and read through several pages.
"It says
here that no potion is available, but to try
ancestral sleeping practices in this order. First
is to sleep in a coffin."
"I can't
Doc, I'm claustrophobic."
"Second
practice is to sleep hanging upside down."
"Tried
that last night. I was hanging from a tree in my
yard when my neighbors called animal control.
They thought I was a bear."
"I have
an idea. Wait here while I cook up something in
my lab."
He left the
office and came back a few minutes later with a
bottle of purple liquid.
"I think
this will make you feel like yourself again."
The vampire
drank the potion in one gulp. He stood up and
grabbed his throat as his eyes bulged. His skin
turned blue, then green and purple. His body
started to spin around the room at a rapid pace.
After a few seconds, the spinning abruptly
stopped and there stood Elvis Presley singing 'All
Shook Up'. The witch doctor saw an opportunity to
become very wealthy. Elvis made endless
television appearances, did a world-wide tour and
later he retired to perform shows 24/7 in Las
Vegas, The City That Never Sleeps.
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