The Humpty
Dumpty Cantata
by David
Macpherson
1.
Humpty Dumpty was that guy who would exclaim that
he felt egg-cellent. "Sunny side up,"
He'd exclaim, "Always sunny side up."
The buttons on his satin waistcoat shone like
perky super novas. So when the frying pan (the
great short order trickster of these tales) said,
"Friend Dumpty, it is a lovely day, let us
repair to yon wall and partake in the sunshine.
Humpty Dumpty said, "That is a capital
notion, shell we go together?"
2.
Some historians have floated the notion that
Humpty Dumpty is about Richard III. You have a
hump, you have horse, you have things that will
not be put back the way they once were. Or it can
just be a funny little quatrain. Something to
make the little ones smile and that should be an
oeuf.
3.
When the King's Men CSI arrived at the "scene"
they put flags on each shell shard. They tracked
the egg white splatter pattern. They deduced this
was no naturally occurring great fall. This egg
had been scrambled most foul. On hearing this,
the shards of Humpty shouted, "Poached. My
life has been poached."
4.
Pop quiz. Taking the Humpty Dumpty rhyme as
scripture, what is Humpty Dumpty? If you said egg,
you should then ask what in the poem tells you
that that is so. What Victorian children's book
illustration or leap of faith tells us what is an
egg and what is merely a broken man jigsawed on
the ground?
5.
With a deft hand, HD cracked the eggs and let
them slide onto the hot pan. The whites hardened
and danced in the butter. HD looked at the suit
hanging off the back of the kitchen chair. It
still looked good and rich, the buttons still
shone. He wondered how much he'd get for it on
EBay. Not that it would help him out of the hole
he was in. The eggs were done and looked
delicious. With a wrist flick, he tossed them
into the trash. He felt the heat coming from the
frying pan, all that potential energy. He
released his grip and the pan followed the egg
into the garbage. When he left out the back, he
didn't bother to close the door.
6. They
tried, but they couldn't put Humpty together
again. He was shattered. Humpty laughed in his
kalidescopic voice, "Well I guess the yolks
on me." One of the King's Horses suppressed
a groan and said, "Never ends. A guy like
that, no matter how bad it gets, can't stop
himself from cracking wise. Just won't learn."
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