The Counted
Monte Cristo
by Christopher G.
Meade
One book, 1,237
pages, 464,450 words; The Count of Monte
Cristo sat dust laden upon my shelf, a grim
monument to the demise of innumerable brain cells
which occurred during my many sprees. I picked it
up, as I do from time to time, just to feel the
weight of the thing and to leaf through the pages;
studying my foe. All books are enemies until they
are read. Then they become dear friends,
acquaintances or jilted lovers. I am surprised
that I haven’t even attempted to read it, or
indeed burn it. The book’s only saving grace,
that I can pin down, is that it’s not a hard-cover
volume. If it was, the burden would seem somehow
greater and I would have thrown it through a
closed window long ago.
“No
officer, I only meant to burglarise the house,
blame Dumas for the murders.”
“You mean
to tell me this ‘Count of Mont
Christie’ book was the inspiration for your
terrible crimes? I knew we had to worry about
video-games, but books! Maybe that Hitler bloke
was onto something.”
“Well, it
wasn’t exactly the inspiration, it
was my idea to throw the book through the window.
But if it had been Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,
The Power and the Glory or even Crime
and Punishment, those three people would
still be alive!”
“Then why
did you choose this book?”
“This
morning I had the fan-tods1 and
Alexandre Dumas appeared from within the book and
was mocking me for my cowardice. I wrote it, he
kept saying, the least you can do is read it!”
“You mean
you haven’t even read the murder weapon?”
“No, not
exactly, but I’ve seen the movie.”
“Ignorant
wretch! Thinking that a film could possibly
compare to the masterpiece, that is Robin
Buss’s translation of The Count of Monte
Cristo.”
“Whoa,
who are you supposed to be? Lt. Columbo?”
“No,
Robin Buss was my father-in-law and that's how my
wife carries on about him. I didn’t want to
let on, you know; it might be considered a
conflict of interest, and bringing you in for
triple-homicide is bound to get me a promotion. All
the papers will call you ‘The hard-cover
killer,’ and will say that you were arrested
by, me, Sergeant Edmond Dantés!”
“Sergeant
Edmond Dantés?”
“Yes,
what of it? Come along, my boy, you’ll have
plenty of time to read your book in prison.”
‘On what
slender threads do life and fortune hang.2’
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
1 -
Literally, hallucinations experienced in delirium
tremens
2 - From The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre
Dumas
Dr.
Jekyll and Mr. Hyde; novel by Robert Louis
Stevenson
The Power and the Glory; novel by Graham
Greene
Crime and Punishment; novel by Fyodor
Dostoevsky
Lt. Columbo; popular T.V. detective
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