Thanks For
Flying Tightwad Airlines
by Roz Warren
(first published
by Defenestration
Magazine)
Tightwad
appreciates your help in keeping us out of
bankruptcy by paying extra to sit in an aisle
seat or to actually travel with luggage. While
waiting to board your flight today, please look
at this menu of choices we’ve added to fine-tune
your flying experience. Select from the following
options and return your completed form to the
gate agent. The resulting fees will be charged to
your credit card.
SEATING
OPTIONS:
For a seat that isn’t near a howling baby. $10
For a seat that isn’t beside a morbidly
obese fellow passenger. $20
For a seat that isn‘t next to a woman going
through a horrible divorce who desperately needs
a shoulder to cry on. $50
For a seat that isn’t crawling with bed bugs.
$100
FOOD SERVICE
We will be serving thin gruel and recycled water
during today’s eight hour flight.
For an upgrade to a carcinogenic lunch meat wrap.
$5
For an upgrade to a lukewarm vegan pizza. $10
For permission to cook and eat a fellow passenger.
$35
USE OF
RESTROOMS
We’ve installed pay toilets on our planes.
You may visit the bathroom for a mere $1.00.
Other bathroom options:
For permission to smoke a cigarette in the
bathroom. $10
For permission to smoke a joint in the bathroom.
$20
For permission to have sex in the bathroom. $100
For permission to have sex in the bathroom with a
flight attendant. $200.
For permission to have sex in the bathroom with
the pilot. $300
YOUR PILOT
TODAY
Your pilot today will be Jeff, a twenty-two year
old recovering alcoholic and sex-addicted recent
graduate of Fly By Night Pilot School in lovely
Tijuana, Mexico.
To upgrade to a pilot who has had only one drink
within the last two hours. $20
To upgrade to a pilot who has had only one heart
attack within the last two hours. $50
To upgrade to a pilot who has never crashed a
plane. $20
To upgrade to Captain Sully Sullenberger. $200,000.
When
we’ve collated this information and assigned
your new seats, we’ll board the plane.
Please be advised that anyone who complains about
this new fee menu will be assessed a $10
“Please Close Your Pie Hole And Sit
Down” Fee.
And thanks again for flying Tightwad!
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