Sweet Reason
by Tony R. Lindsay
I’m
devoted to an activity that floods my mind with
wisdom and informs me of historical matters, as
well as current happenings. However, a judicious
selection of programming is essential to keep my
faculties honed to a razor’s edge. I lean
back in my recliner with a beer, chips, and a
bologna sandwich.
My first
selection is “Sex and The City.” A
hormonally-charged, middle-aged woman complains
about the youthfulness of her new love interest.
“Hardly old enough to shave, but old enough.”
Interesting
stuff. But there must be something more
educational.
A click of the
remote produces the answer to my quest for
enlightenment. The star of “Reverend John
Haghebe Today” impresses me as a man with
all the answers. In case you’ve missed John
Haghebe, he’s a rotund fellow who speaks
with great authority. He’s God’s man
all right, but I think he should watch his diet.
I write down
the address to send a donation for what John
Haghebe refers to as “sowing seeds.”
Haghebe assures me I will reap a bountiful
harvest from the garden of his ministry.
Checkbook in hand, I begin to write when the
preacher announces his intention to share one
more story. That is something that annoys me
about television evangelists. Why must they s-h-a-r-e
with us their experiences? Why don’t they
just tell us tell us what happened? I tear
the check in half and reach for the remote.
My next stop
is Black Entertainment Television. Where do they
find so many gorgeous and friendly women? Each
female is brimming over with affection and better
looking than the last. The problem with BET is
they feature more ugly hoods than alluring ladies.
There’s another thing. It’s probably my
fault, but I can’t understand a word
they’re singing. Without the guys and
without the music, BET would be a wonderful
channel.
I move on to
“The 900 Club.” Pat Bobs is my kind of
guy. He knew before any of us that Hurricane
Katrina was an example of the wrath of God. I
applaud a man with courage to match his
convictions. But, to be honest, I wish his
pronouncements were a little more aligned with
sweet reason.
The remote
slips from my lap and falls to the floor. I
retrieve the gadget and try to select another
channel, but the darn thing refuses to move. Wonder
if “you-know-who” is punishing me for
something I said about the righteous Pat Bobs.
I finally
manage to click through several more channels
until I come to “Blue’s Clues” on
the Preschool Network. The show features a sissy
boy and his cartoon dog. I try to be modest, but
frankly, I didn’t find the program
intellectually challenging. After about twenty-five
minutes, I click some more.
My attention
peaks when I land on a channel featuring
“Body Shaping by Bonnie Sue.” She’s
always in a good mood as she encourages her
audience to keep up an impossible aerobic pace.
Bonnie Sue smiles and bounces and jiggles in the
most unassuming manner.
After a
careful review of 104 channels, I settle on The
History Channel, The Travel Channel, Arts and
Entertainment, or any program on The National
Geographic Channel.
But what I
really want to see is Bonnie Sue in white tights.
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