Smart Phone Apps
Women Really Need
by Roz Warren
and Janet Golden
(this story
first appeared in The
Funny Times)
There are
smart phone apps to help us with everything from
staying on our diets to learning French. And they’re
useful as far as they go. But they don’t go
nearly far enough. Here are a few more apps we
gals could really use:
Sockeroo:
Just aim your phone at the dirty socks under the
bed and they are airborne and into the laundry
hamper in no time. Perfect for moms with
teenagers.
Blather-Be-Gone:
Direct it at anybody gabbing on a cell in public
and it replaces their blather with your choice of
soothing nature sounds. Replace that lawyer
negotiating a lease at top volume with a gently
trickling brook.
Football
Time Machine: Point it at the TV and the
game will start an hour before scheduled so you
can go to bed at your usual time without being
startled awake by screams and howls from the TV
room.
That’s
My Space, Pal: Point it at the driver
about to take the parking space you had your eye
on and he’ll drive on by.
Cloak
of Auto Invisibility: Makes your car
invisible to anyone authorized to write tickets.
Is it
Hot in Here?: Lowers any thermostat in
the vicinity ten degrees. A godsend for the
menopausal.
Calorie
Eliminator: Point it at a cupcake and it
removes all the calories. Eating candy is the
same as eating celery! Gender Gap Eliminator:
Point it at a male co-worker and your next
paycheck will match his.
Child
Sarcasm Silencer: Point it at your child
and it changes anything sarcastic he’s about
to say to “I love you, Mom.” It also
stops teenage eye-rolling.
Music
Minder: Turns the hip hop blaring from
your teen’s room into Bach harpsichord
pieces.
Child
Chore Motivator: Point it at your kid
and he’ll put down whatever electronic gizmo
he’s currently addicted to and ask if he can
take out the garbage.
Smarten
Up: Zaps anyone under 40 who beings a
sentence with “You might be too old to…”
BegaThon
Buster: Silences public radio during
fund-raising breaks.
Forever
Franco: Sends you poetry, novels,
paintings and movies by James Franco.
Sheenoff:
Turns off electronic media whenever Charlie Sheen
threatens to be seen, heard or spoken of.
Budget
Adjuster: Aim it at your local
congressperson at the next political event you
attend and she’ll introduce a bill to cut
the defense budget and spend the money saved on
health, education and peace.
Share-A-Toy:
Creates a sense of empathy in squabbling toddlers.
Sinkerdiddle:
Cleans those hairs out of the drain, including
the ones that aren’t yours and that should
have been cleaned by the last person using the
shower.
Shoe-Minder:
Alerts you to all shoe sales within 10, 20 or 30
mile radius. Because you can never have enough.
Pretty
Toes: Point it at your feet. Instant
pedicure.
You’re
Wrong: Point it at your partner during
your next argument and he’ll admit you were
right all along. About everything.
Porn
Redirect: Tired of your spouse
downloading pornography? Rickrolls his browser to
animated clips of Bugs Bunny in a tutu.
Chocostash:
Locates foolproof hiding place for your chocolate
to prevent family members from finding and
consuming it.
ChocoFind:
Reveals where family members have hidden THEIR
chocolate.
Film
Magic: Eliminates gore, explosions and
car chases from any movie.
Woody
Go: Eliminates Woody Allen from any
movie.
Audit-Proofer:
Point it at your tax return before filing and the
IRS will insist on giving YOU money.
Phone
Zap: Press twice and your phone bill for
the month will be erased and all your apps
upgraded.
EmpowerU:
Takes you to the WVFC homepage.
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