Slippery Slope
by Roz Warren
A man who is
sexually attracted to playground equipment was
recently banned from “any location with a
slide” after being caught having sex with
one.
Christopher
Johnson, 46, was described by the newspaper who
reported this item as having a “powerful
fetish for children’s playground equipment.”
The newspaper
noted that this was his second “slide-related
offense.”
The playground
pervert was arrested when four people called the
cops after witnessing him “interacting in a
lascivious way” with the slide.
So much for
that pleasant little picnic at the local park.
When this news
hit the internet, this poor tortured soul’s
plight was met with sympathy and understanding.
Ha ha, I’m kidding! The Comments section
quickly filled with mocking remarks by the usual
smartasses:
“Maybe he’s
a swinger?”
“His
slide into deviancy was costly.”
“I wonder
if having to go through the justice system merry-go-round
turned him on.”
Imagine this
poor dude’s life. Is it just slides? Does
his fetish also include climbing walls? Monkey
bars? And how does a fetish like this even get
started? He got seduced by a deviant see-saw
as a kid? A lascivious swing set came on to him?
Curious, I
consulted with a psychoanalyst of my acquaintance,
who said, “Please keep me out of this.”
Is playground
perversion actually a thing? If I Google research
“sex with slides” will I turn up
playground equipment fetish support groups? Meet-up
gatherings made up of playground pervs who hit
the park together under cover of darkness to make
whoopee with the monkey bars? People seeking
partners with a similar fetish? (“It’s
your turn to dress up as the riding Frog!”)
What’s
the takeaway here? Well if you’re the mother
of small children, it’s just one more thing
to worry about when you take the kiddos to the
playground. Beyond that, it’s a
reminder to all of us, once again, that you can’t
begin to imagine what people are capable of.
Which is to
say that if you can imagine it, there’s
somebody out there who wants to fuck it.
Is there porn
for people who get turned on by playground
equipment? And if so, what does it look like?
On second thought, I don’t want to go there.
But if you’re braver than I am, reader, feel
free to check it out and tell me all about it in
the Comments section.
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