Periodic Table
Of The Schmucks
by Roz Warren
(This
essay originally appeared on www.womensvoicesforchange.org and is reprinted with the
author's permission)
Bd
“Brooding Dude”
“You’re the only one who can truly
understand me. Don’t enjoy the party! Spend
all evening trying to coax me out of my shell.”
Ia
“I Argue”
You don’t agree that a good, fierce no-holds-barred
argument enhances any conversation? You’re
wrong! Will you agree with me if I shout at you,
call you a moron and pound on the table?“
Wch
“World Class Hypochondriac”
“Never mind your mom’s recently-diagnosed
brain tumor. Look at this mole on my stomach.
It’s so ugly, it’s got to be cancer!
I‘m doomed!”
Rd
“Rude Driver”
“Speed limits are for chumps. Courteous
driving is for suckers. Leaning on the horn is my
favorite form of communication. Get the hell
out of my way, asshole!”
Twt
“Texts While Talking”
“Hold that thought! This incoming tweet is
REALLY important.”
Foe
“Full of Excuses”
“I know I have a fine for returning
“The Seven Habits of Highly Effective
People” to the library two months late. But
the dog peed on the carpet, the dry cleaners
overcharged me for removing the stain and then
the bank bounced my check! So I’m strapped
for cash. Maybe I’ll pay it next time.”
Mb
“Mama’s Boy”
“The kids were driving you crazy today?
It’s funny how my mother had five boys and
yet managed to run a business, keep a
perfectly clean house, never raise her voice,
always dress stylishly -- and cook a delicious
dinner for her family every night.”
Lb
“Lying Bastard”
“Sure, I was out all night and didn’t
call. I had to get that business plan done and my
cell phone battery was out. There’s a
red lace bra hanging out of my briefcase? I bet
those crazy guys from the tech department stuck
it in there for a joke.”
Ti
“Totally Incompetent”
“I know it’s Halloween -- but you never
told me you needed the candy tonight.”
Hccd
“Hates children, cats and dogs”
“Take care of me. Everyone else can go to
hell.”
Tj
“Total Jerk”
“Wow, when you wear that Stealers shirt if
reminds me of my old girlfriend. She looked
really hot in a football jersey.”
Atw
“Allergic to Work”
“I’m too busy conquering the 847th
level of this video game to hunt for a job. And
you make enough to support us both, honeybunch.”
Ckaj “Can’t
keep a job”
“I had to quit. The boss was an idiot. And
you make enough to support us both, honeybunch.”
Hcb
“Hyper-critical Bastard”
“That dress makes your butt look fat. No,
you didn’t ask me. But I thought you
should know.”
Hdb
“Hyper-demanding Bastard”
“All I want is a beautiful woman who’ll
dote on my every word, laugh at my jokes, excel
at a glamorous career, give birth to my kids and
take sole responsibility for raising them, rise
at dawn to prepare my breakfast, pick up my dirty
clothes without complaining and cook gourmet
meals for 40 people at the drop of a hat. Is that
so much to ask?”
Isf
“Insane Sports Fan”
“If you go into labor during the Super Bowl,
you’re going to have to get to the hospital
yourself. And we’re naming the baby
Peyton. Even if it’s a girl.”
Sd
“Stinky Dude”
“Showering and shaving are for sissies.
Women love my smell. I’m a natural man.”
Ba
“Brilliant Artist”
“Don’t you realize my work is epic?
It’s far too important for me to do the
dishes, remember your birthday or actually listen
to anything you have to say. Unless what you have
to say is that my work is epic.”
Si
“Selfish Idiot”
“Sorry you had a bad day. I know what will
make you feel better -- give me a foot rub and
then we’ll go out to my favorite restaurant!”
Mj
“Macho Jerk”
“Women are inferior. It’s
scientifically proven. And God wants it that way
too. Hey -- where are you going? Come back here
and listen to me when I’m putting you down!“
Pc
“Presidential Candidate” (or N
“Newt”)
“Doctor, you’re sure my wife has a life-threatening
illness? That’s terrible!” “Honey
-- I want a divorce.”
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