My Resolutions
For You In 2012
by Roz Warren
Every year
I make New Year’s resolutions and every year
I break them. So this year, I’m trying
something a little different -- resolutions for
other people. Hey world -- here are the changes
I’d like to see YOU make in 2012
(1)
Cell phone owners: No more blathering on cell
phones in public. This includes public restrooms.
I consider the time I spend sitting on the toilet
to be both private and sacred. I don’t want
to hear about your boyfriend, your PMS or your
stock portfolio.
(2)
Corporations: ax the phone trees. When I phone
customer service in 2012, I want to talk to a
person. And I want that person to speak my
language at least as well as I do. I don’t
want to speak with a robot. When I phoned the
local Apple store customer service department
recently, I got a robot who refused to give me
the option to talk to a person. Instead, she told
me that her name was Julie and proclaimed proudly
that she could “understand entire sentences.”
“Fuck you,
Julie!“ I responded.
“I’m
sorry,“ she said. “I didn’t
understand that last sentence.”
In 2012, I
want to get an actual human being who will do the
appropriate thing if I curse her out, which is to
call me a witch and hang up on me.
(3)
Bankers: Donate every penny of the obscene
bonuses you received in 2011 to charity. Buy warm
coats and give them to homeless people. Walk over
to Zuccotti Park and offer everyone there a
sincere apology. Embrace Elizabeth Warren as your
personal savior. It’s not to late to regain
some humanity.
(4)
Oprah: either marry Stedman in 2012 or cut him
loose.
(5)
Magazines: Stop running articles about people
losing weight and people gaining weight. This
world is going to hell in a hand basket and the
last thing that matters is how plump or lean we
are on that particular journey.
(6)
I don’t want to ever hear, read or even
think the word “Kardashian” again.
Anywhere. Ever. Got that?
(7)
People who Text while Driving: Cut that out. The
life you save may be your own. Or even more
important, mine. Or the life of the baby in the
stroller being pushed by the nanny who just
stepped into the crosswalk and is too busy
talking on her cell to notice that you are too
busy texting to notice the stop sign that you are
about to blow through. You get the idea. Put the
tiny hand-held device away and focus your
complete attention on driving the large
potentially lethal automotive device.
(8)
Children who have grown up and are no longer
living at home: Phone your mom. Tell her you love
her. Even if you don’t. (Especially if you
don’t…)
(9)
Library patrons who returned the DVD late, but
want to weasel out of paying the fine: Shut up.
Pay the fine. Thank you.
(10)
Self-loathing straight-identified politicians who
vociferously gay bash and sponsor laws that gay
bash, and spend every waking moment trying to do
and say everything possible to distance
themselves from anything even remotely gay: Come
out of the closet already. You aren’t
fooling anybody.
HAPPY
2012!!
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