My Kind Of
Superpowers
by Roz Warren
Never mind
leaping tall buildings in a single bound,
deflecting bullets with magic bracelets or having
the super strength to clobber bad guys. Here are
a few of the superpowers I’d REALLY love to
have:
Being able to
effortlessly give a pill to the cat without
getting my arm torn off.
Always
choosing the fastest moving line at the
supermarket.
Knowing
exactly the right words to get a sullen teen to
open up and have a conversation, then smile and
say “I love you, Mom.”
Being able to
remove all the fats, sugar and calories from a
large slice of pie without affecting any of the
yummy taste.
Opening
directly to the steamy pages of any bestseller.
Summoning the
right devastating retort whenever somebody says
something offensive or disrespectful. Instantly!
Not two hours later.
Always finding
a parking space right in front of my destination.
Refraining
from blurting out “I got it at Target”
every time anyone compliments my attire or décor.
Magically
making a cop appear to give a fat speeding ticket
to anybody who scares me half to death by
rocketing past me at 90mph on the freeway.
Always getting
the seat on a plane that has an empty seat next
to it. And is nowhere near the howling baby. Or
else --
Being able to
magically calm and quiet any howling baby.
Choosing
exactly the right scarf to go with that outfit.
Recognizing
“Mr. Right” the moment I meet him
instead of looking back, years later, and
realizing that he was “The One.”
Being able to
transfer any huge ugly bug or small fast-moving
rodent I find in my house back to its natural
habitat without actually touching it.
Giving fast-onset
laryngitis to anybody loudly blathering on a cell
phone in public.
I’d also
like the power to sincerely forgive anyone who
has annoyed me enough to make me want to clobber
them. But that might be asking for too much…
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