Memoir Complete,
Time to Stand in Place
by Holly McDede
John gave me a
hug, handed me a banana, and I knew right then
and there that everything would be alright.
What a swell
ending to my memoir! Hugs, bananas, fulfilment.
Reviews will read: “If you're a good
person, you'll like this book. If not, I don't
know what to tell you.”
The original
title for my memoir was “Life Ain't Too Good.”
But it turned out life was pretty swell. The
final title will now be “John's Hug.”
I drink a
banana smoothie, miss my mouth, and banana goo
splutters upon my keyboard. No worries! My
memoir is finished, and I just need to
ensure nothing significant happens.
Lalala. I
check my death clock online. Forty-three years
til' my death. This is going to take awhile.
Someone knocks
on my door. If I answer it, it might be someone important.
They might say important things.
“Hey, it's
John. Let me in.”
Sorrry John,
no one is here. Trala. Lalala.
“Seriously,
if you don't, they'll arrest me.”
I do not
mention John getting arrested in my memoir, but I
also do not mention John coming into my
house to hide from the police.
I call my
neighbors. I ask them to please let John enter
their house momentarily.
“We're
sorry,” my neighbor says. “But I just
finished my memoir, 'Never Letting John Into
Our House.'” .”
John is
knocking harder now. “I gave you a banana.
Didn't it mean anything to you?” John
says. I am touched.
I call my
other neighbors. “Of course we'll let John
in!” Margaret chirps. “In fact, I
was working on a memoir called 'Letting John In.' It's
a romance!” Then she says, “Say, did
you hear about the genocide committed in –.”
Shut up,
Margaret! I will not allow genocides in my memoir!
It would contradict the line, “I knew
right then and there that everything would
be alright.”
I tell John to
go to Margaret's house. He does not know about
the romance that will follow according to
the plot outline in Margaret's memoir. Poor
John.
Doing nothing
is exhausting. How do all these other memoir
writers do it? Good thing that author of 'A
Million Little Pieces' got over his drug
addiction by the end of the book. Otherwise, he
would have just had to keep doing drugs
forever to stay true to his memoir. Malcolm X, is
a total scam. He never mentions in his
autobiography that he was shot and killed.
I check my
death clock again. No luck. Still forty three
years left. Am I allowed to eat? Yes, I decide
that I am. Memoir writers like Khrushchev
and God never interrupt their memoirs to say,
“Then I ate a sandwich.” Food,
drinks, sleep, and bathrooms are welcomed. Food, drinks,
bathroom, sleep.
I will switch
the order around everyday to make life really
interesting.
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