Letter to Santa
by John Sheirer
1 December
2010
Santa Claus,
President
Christmastime Productions
1 Pole Place
North Pole 00000
Dear Mr. Claus,
This letter is
in response to the lump of coal (hereafter
referred to simply as "coal") received
by stocking just before midnight, 24 December
2009, to be forwarded to my eight-year-old son
Johnny Jr. on Christmas morning 2009. Said coal
was an entirely inappropriate gift for Johnny Jr.
I know you have been in this business a long time,
and you are an "expert" in your "field,"
but I must submit my deepest objection to your
position (as expressed in your handwritten note
accompanying the coal) that Johnny Jr. had been a
"very, very bad boy" during the
calendar year 2009.
While it is
true that Johnny had some attitude problems
relating to his little sister Paige, he has since
worked out those problems with the help of his
therapist. This year, we have had no repeats of
the unfortunate bathtub, skating rink, or
backyard mudslide incidents that occurred in 2009.
(Paige is healing nicely and sends her thanks for
the My Little Pony Hospital Set you provided for
her last Christmas.)
I must also
mention that the investigators have informed us
that electrical issues might have been just as
likely for this October's fire as Johnny's
recreational use of kitchen matches.
Unfortunately, it will be necessary this year to
forward whatever presents might be headed our way
to my brother-in-law Stan Frankel's home in
Parsippany, New Jersey, because the repairs to
our house will not be finished until February.
In Johnny's
favor is his exemplary work in school, where he
is making wonderful progress and will almost
surely complete the first grade on this year's
attempt. In addition, we are confident that he
will once again be allowed to enjoy recess with
his classmates before the snows have melted this
spring. Johnny has also been a big help to his
mother, my lovely wife Julie (thanks from her for
the Redbook subscription!). The doctors tell us
that I will only need to be on this liquid diet
for another few weeks, once the effects of the
food poisoning from Johnny's Thanksgiving dinner
"help" have worn off. (As a related
aside here, I would really appreciate a new
blender for Christmas—Stan's is in very poor
condition.)
So I hope you
can agree that no one wants to repeat last year's
coal incident this holiday season. Perhaps
instead, this year you might provide more games
to go with the X-Box 360 I procured for Johnny
last year shortly after I discovered the coal in
his stocking. (It was wonderful timing to find
those nice men selling electronic equipment from
the trunk of their car downtown on Christmas
morning. Do I sense your miracle-working hand in
this serendipity?) FYI: Johnny is especially fond
of the games with lots of violence and bloodshed,
and I am thankful that he has this cathartic
outlet for his occasional aggressive tendencies.
Warmest
holiday wishes,
John Kringle
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