It's May. Enjoy
Yourself!
by Roz Warren
May is
National Masturbation Month.
How do I know?
My pal Senior
Sex Expert Joan Price (www.Joan price.com) is not
only vigorously celebrating, but doing everything
she can to spread the word.
“I’m
on it!” I assured her when she told me.
“Thanks.”
Because May is
also Gifts From The Garden Month, the library
where I work has put together a lavish display of
gardening books. Naturally, I decided to augment
this exhibit with a few masturbation titles. Does
my library stock books about masturbation? Not as
such. But we do have all three books in the
“Fifty Shades of Grey” series, Anais‘s
Nin‘s “Delta of Venus,”
and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
Close enough.
Masturbation!
Gardening! What else are we supposed to be doing
in May? A little research revealed that there’s
plenty to celebrate, observe or become aware of
this month. To experience May to the fullest, I’ve
decided to partake of as many as I can.
Some will be
easy.
Get Caught
Reading Month? I work in a public library -- that’s
practically my job description. And, as a Secular
Jew. I‘m a walking celebration of Jewish
American Heritage Month. Older Americans Month?
At 59, I’m in. As for Better
Sleep Month, if I celebrate National Masturbation
Month right before I drop off to sleep, I’ve
probably got that covered too.
With any luck,
I’ll dream about Inventors, Drums and Mental
Health.
For
National Physical Fitness and Sports Month,
I can ride my bicycle (it’s National Bike
Month!) to the ball park. Which, if it‘s
a week day, will require that I observe National
Revise Your Work Schedule Month.
Between
innings I’ll reread a few pages of
“One Hundred Years of Solitude” for
Latino Book Month. As I read I’ll sit up
straight, for Correct Posture Month. And wear
comfortable shoes, for Foot Health Month.
I’m bound
to see a member of the military at the ball park.
“Thanks for your service!” I‘ll
say, then buy him or her a hot dog for
National Military Appreciation Month.
Because May is
Haitian Heritage Month, South Asian Heritage
Month and Asian Pacific Heritage Month, during my
next shift at the library, I‘ll take a
moment to solemnly gaze at these places in our
mammoth world atlas and think “Hurrah!”
Then I’ll
toast them with a glass of water for National
Drinking Water Month. (Which I will handle with
care because it’s also National Water Safety
Month.)
For
International Victorious Woman Month, I’ll
try to win the next argument I have with my
sweetie. (Perhaps we’ll argue about Tennis,
Meditation or Motorcycle Safety.)
After which I’ll
compliment a teen for Teen Self-Esteem Month.
If I’ve
worked up an appetite with all this May-related
activity, I’m in luck, because May is
National Asparagus Month. It’s also National
Egg Month, National Hamburger Month. National
Salad Month. National Salsa Month. National
Strawberry Month, National Vinegar Month, and
National Sweet Vidalia Onions Month.
Put them all
together, throw them on the grill, add a little
hot sauce, and I’ll be celebrating National
Barbecue Month.
Of course I’ll
grab my camera and capture the moment for
National Photo Month.
After which,
it’s on to dessert. I can take my pick
-- May is both National Artisan Gelato Month and
National Chocolate Custard Month.
The resulting
mammoth stomach ache will probably land me in the
doctor’s office, just in time for Women’s
Health Care Month! While cooling my heels in the
waiting room, I’ll grab pamphlets about
Asthma, Arthritis, ALS, Celiac, Stroke,
Cystic Fibrosis, Fibromyalgia, High Blood
Pressure, Lyme Disease, Osteoporosis, Brain
Tumors, Skin Cancer, Huntington’s Disease
and Systemic Lupus Erythematosus.
Leaving the
doctor’s office, will I vow to donate a
little money to organizations dedicated to
eradicating these things? Absolutely.
After which I’ll
bring Alpo to a shelter for Food Drive for
Homeless Animals Month.
Clearly, the
month of May is going to be both fun and
productive.
Even so, there
are a few things I do plan to skip.
Pet Cancer
Month? On behalf on Captain, our Yorkie-poo, I’ll
take a pass.
International
Audit Month? Uh… no thanks.
But Ultra-violet
Awareness Month? I’ll give it my best shot.
Best of all,
for a humor writer? May is National Smile Month.
With any luck, this essay has helped you
celebrate.
This
essay first appeared on www.broadstreetreview.com.
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