"Is Your
Stomach Making You Sad?" And Other
Conundrums Of 21st Century Life
by Roz Warren
The questions
we ask ourselves define who we are as a culture.
“What is the meaning of life?” “Is
there a God?” “Does anybody really know
what time it is?” “Where the hell
did I put my car keys?”
To see what
America is asking itself these days, I checked a
dozen popular magazines out of my local public
library, from “Martha Stewart Living”
to “Sports Illustrated,“ and scoured
the ads for questions.
So what’s
on your mind, America? Here’s a sampling of
the questions I found:
What’s
the Gecko’s favorite yoga pose?
What do you hate most about vacuuming?
Why do we love football?
Are all vitamins really the same?
What’s your dinner made of?
Unexpected zit from hell?
How pure is Purified Fish oil?
Is your stomach making you sad?
When’s the last time you were this excited
to get on a plane?
Allergy fog?
On the go?
Got milk?
Who knew 100 calories could be so creamy and
chocolatey?
What’s so wrong with a bald head?
Your secret ingredient?
Ready to sparkle?
Do you own the right stocks?
Your litter may control urine odor. But what
about feces?
Is it demanding to want it all… in two
minutes?
First rule of taking the world by surprise?
Ever feel like you’re growing old waiting
for your wrinkle cream to work?
What does a water balloon tell us about strong,
healthy skin?
How long has it been since you gratified all your
senses?
Can your deodorant do this?
Can you visibly shrink your pores after just one
use?
Is your life a work of art?
It’s 5 o’clock. Is your make-up still
fabulous?
So, how does the Man of Steel shave?
There are no
bad questions, the saying goes, only bad answers.
Or in my case, sarcastic answers. Here are
a few of my own responses:
What do I hate
most about vacuuming? Vacuuming.
What’s your dinner made of? Whatever I
can phone in.
Are all vitamins really the same? Yes.
They’re just like M&Ms -- but not as
tasty.
How long has it been since you gratified all your
senses? Twenty minutes.
Who knew 100 calories could be so creamy and
chocolatey? Who knew that chocolatey was
actually a word?
Unexpected zit from hell? Not at my age.
What does a water balloon tell us about healthy
skin? If water balloons could talk, I doubt
that’s the topic they’d choose to
address.
On the go? Probably not.
Ready to sparkle? Maybe later.
Your secret ingredient? Lunch meat.
What’s the Gecko’s favorite yoga pose? Standing
by the Coke machine asking if anyone can break a
twenty.
When’s the last time you were this excited
to get on a plane? During my anxiety attack.
Can your deodorant do this? No, but you
should see it write on mirrors.
Got milk? Not since I was 12.
Do I own the right stocks? Yes. All of them.
First rule of taking the world by surprise? Two
words: Invisibility cloak.
Is it demanding to want it all… in two
minutes? No, but it could be Bipolar.
Is my life a work of art? Not yet. But
I’m working on it.
How does the Man of Steel shave? He
gets Batman to help him.
“At the
end of the day,“ Zen guru Leo Babauta has
written, “the questions we ask of
ourselves determine the type of people we become.”
I guess this
makes us a nation of football-loving, fish-oil
gobbling folks who love to sparkle but hate to
vacuum.
But at least
our make-up is fabulous.
This essay
first appeared on Womens Voices For Change.
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