Gone With The
Wildebeest
by Roz Warren
and Janet Golden
A recent
book reveals that nature documentaries are staged.
Shocked by such claims we went on location to
discover for ourselves the behind-the-scenes
manipulations and more.
Director:
“You’ll spot the wildebeest, freeze,
and then charge. Okay? And try to bring it down
on the left side, so its head is facing the
camera.
Lion:
“What’s my motivation?”
Director:
“Motivation? What motivation?
You’re a predator! You hunt. You kill. Take
that sucker down and rip it apart!”
Lion:
“I’m not that hungry, actually. I had a
late breakfast.”
Director:
“Think about the thrill of the chase. The
capture. The blood. The drama! This is your shot,
baby.”
Lion: “I
need more than that.”
Director:
“Like what?”
Lion:
“Like instead of calling this ‘African
Hunters,’ why not go with ‘Lion: The
Greatest Hunter of All?’”
Director:
“We’ve gone over this. It’s a
contractual matter. It’s out of my hands.”
Lion: “I
need to call my agent.”
Assistant:
“Sorry to interrupt but the wildebeest
refuses to leave his trailer.”
Director:
“What now?”
Assistant:
“He says the hair people have ruined his
tufts and he won’t come out unless
they’re redone.”
Director:
“Talk to him.”
Assistant:
“I did. Between you and me, I think the
problem is that the lion got a full dye job and
--” (shrugs).
Director:
“God, I miss those penguins.”
Baby Elephant:
“Excuse me?”
Director:
“What is it?”
Baby Elephant:
“”My contract calls for seedless
watermelon.“
Director:
“And so?”
Baby Elephant:
“I’m not eating the stuff they put in
my trailer. I arrive on set ready to work and
what do I get? Watermelon with seeds! Would
Justin Beber endure this kind of incompetence?
Does Miley Cyrus have to beg to get a decent meal?
I don‘t think so.”
Director to
Assistant: “Seedless watermelon. Didn’t
you read the damn contract? Make sure he gets it.”
Baby Elephant:
“And?“
Director:
“What else?”
Baby Elephant:
“If those craft services people make one
more Dumbo joke I want them fired.”
Director: You
got it, baby.”
Mother
Elephant: “Can I speak with you a moment?”
Director:
“Sure, everybody else has.”
Mother
Elephant: “The big money shot is when I find
my baby in the middle of a Kalaharan desert,
right? So why aren’t I getting a producer
credit? The zebras told me the lion is getting a
credit and all he does is take down a fucking
wildebeest. Like going out and getting dinner is
such a big deal.”
Director:
“Those zebras are a bunch of assholes.
I’ve had it with all of you! You signed the
contract and now you‘re whining like a damn
hyena!”
Mother
Elephant: “Shout all you want. Just try
making this picture without me.”
Director: Fine.
I’ll do it. We can send the baby elephant
out to die in the storm. We’ll cut your part
entirely and you won’t get a fucking dime in
percentages.”
Mother
Elephant: “Okay okay, calm down.” She
stalks off.
Director to
Assistant: Fire all the zebras.
Lion: “My
lawyer’s on the phone. She says there’s
nothing in the contract at all about titles.”
Director:
“Not my problem. Tell her to talk to the
Producer. I don’t care what they call this
picture. They can call it “Kvetching Lion,
Hidden Profits” for all I care.”
Lion:
“Bruce Willis wouldn’t put up with this
kind of treatment.”
Director:
“Bruce is a pro. Bruce wouldn’t need
motivation to shoot a lousy predation sequence.”
Assistant:
“Phone for you.” (Hands phone to
Director)
Producer:
“Our people are on it. The title isn’t
changing.”
Director:
“Great. Just get everyone off my back, okay?”
Producer:
“What about some control at your end? I’m
still hearing rumors about the wildebeest and
that crazy Thompson’s gazelle. Weren’t
we going to close the set and keep that out of
the press? If the paparazzi get photos of the two
of them, this picture will be NC-17. “
Director:
“I wouldn’t worry about it. They never
come out of the trailer.”
Producer:
“God, I miss those penguins.“
Director:
Let’s try this again. You’ll spot the
wildebeest, freeze, and then charge.
Lion: And my
motivation is --
Director: Your
motivation is if you screw up this shot, we
replace you with Tyler Perry and retitle
the film “Medea and the Wildebeest.”
Lion:
“Got it. Let’s roll.”
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