God's Diary: The
Early Bits
by Jeff Burton
Eternity past
1: Well, here I am.
Eternity past
2: This is rather boring.
Eternity past
3: Dull. Dull. Dull.
Eternity past
4: A hobby, that's what I need, a hobby. I'd
collect stamps but I haven't created them yet.
Tuesday, half
past three: I know, I'll make something, sort of
a DIY project. I'll start next week. What's a 'week'?
I'll have to make that first.
Sunday,
beginning of time: Dawn is early, isn't it. I
should have made it about half past ten, that's a
more civilised time for it. Next time. Made
matter and energy today. They made a satisfying
sound when they exploded. I should read the
instructions on the box.
Wednesday,
beginning of time: I've been busy. I created fish
and moons and jam and zebras and asteroids and
newspapers and stars and toast and newts. Lots of
stuff. Once you start, you can't stop, a new idea
pops into your head and, bang, it's six legs, no
legs, wings, four legs, eyes and teeth everywhere.
I may need to send out for more pieces.
Friday,
beginning of time: Worked in the garden all week.
Frankly I'm sick of it. Got tired and did things
in a hurry. Painted everything green. Who'll care?
Back sore. I have blisters from weeding. I should
have paid more for turf.
Saturday,
beginning of time: Took up sculpting today. Break
from the damn garden. Nice. He looked quite good.
Forgot urinary tract and reproductive system. Had
to stick it on the outside as an afterthought.
Will create pants to cover up shoddy work. Too
tired today. Fig leaves will do. Hands dirty.
Sunday,
beginning of time: I'm buggered. Should have
joined union. Slept in late. Mum brought
breakfast in. She's sweet. Will take day off. I
deserve it.
6000BC : Just
had a look in. Christ, they've messed the place
up! And there's so many of them! They are very
hairy. Oh well, no harm done really. Shake the
old etch-o-sketch and start again. I like the
geography though. The mountains and valleys look
quite nice. I'll keep them. Just get the
exterminators in to fumigate the place. Damn. Can't
come until next Thursday. I'll just cover the
whole thing with water. That'll fix them. Well,
except the ducks. And the fish. And the whales.
And seagulls. And so on.
Talked to some
old guy. Told him to build a boat. Delegate. You
have to do it.
250BC: Just
told some prophet to wear a radish on his head
for twenty years to symbolise poor town planning.
These nuts will do anything. Bit of a laugh
really.
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